Let me get straight to the point (then I'll ramble on for awhile...)
2012
was rough enough that I found myself actually hoping that December 21st would
mark the end of the world. It's not the
kind of thing you announce the day before, but after the planet survives...
well... that's a different story.
For
many years, I have sat down to write a Christmas letter to friends and family. The mailing list numbers over 100. Some years are better than others, but this
year I just couldn't do it. I did manage to come up with a quick, sort
of generic, blurb for the back of our 4 x 8 Christmas card photos that we sent
out to 29 addresses (mostly great aunts who don't have Facebook accounts). The truth is, I didn't really want to share
much of this year. I just wanted it to be
over.
I
blogged much of the personal devastation, often in code, through the summer
months. By Fall my writing turned to an attempt
to convince myself, as well as anyone else who was reading, that I was OK. By the end of October, I all but dropped off
the blogging radar, except for a few notes regarding the kids' quiz season, the
election, and that aforementioned Christmas card. Since I began blogging in 2003, I have not
missed entries for the kids' birthdays, our anniversary, or holidays (at least
not for the most part). I'm going to be
really frustrated someday when I look back through the 2012 posts, because
they're just not there.
I'm
absolutely going to hate that I have six days worth of entries for Phil's
graduation from N.N.U. in 2011, but I worked for 15 years to achieve my
bachelor's degree and then didn't enjoy the graduation ceremony, pasted a smile
on for a couple of quick shots, neglected to order the professional photos, and
wrote a few lines...
I
cannot believe that I have not shared anything about Ian's first day of
Kindergarten or how amazingly good he is at school. I never would have dreamed that he would be
the kid who is irritated that we still have
another week of Christmas break...
but he is...
Phil
and I celebrated 15 years of marriage this August. That's kind of a milestone. I can't even remember what we did...
I
published a book! I have always wanted
to publish a book, and 2012 was the year I did it... for the first time...
I
took a few minutes, this morning, to go back through my pictures of this year. I smiled more than I cried, which was a pleasant
surprise. Since launching
elemenoh-cheese, it's not all that often that I post snapshots anymore, but I
found a few that really should have landed in the public realm this year,
particularly because they are a reminder to me.
They represent all the really good stuff that went on in our lives,
despite the stress, frustration, and depression. Somehow, even in the midst of these things,
we found some moments in which to be blessed... and in which to be thankful...
Like this moment in which Miah is so happy at music class she looks like she could explode:
Or that time I did Seth's science project:
Or our trip to the Co-pa, by ourselves,
in which I actually got to watch an entire game:
Or that day I was so proud of Grace that I almost embarrassed her to death:
Or Caleb's basketball adventure,
which actually did get blogged and made the book,
because... well... you know how it is with Caleb:
Or that time we decided to go to a Pacer's game? Huh? What were we thinking?
Or the day we learned we could get into the Children's Museum for $6.00
and then proceeded to spend more money on the carousel than the tickets:
Or the sight that greeted me when I came home from my "Mommy Retreat":
Or one of the best birthdays ever,
when I got to watch Seth and Grace quiz for the first time:
I really don't have a clue what's she's doing here,
but it's one of those things you just have to post:
And that picture that didn't make the Christmas card:
And that trip to St. Louis, a rare couple of days with just "sethandgrace":
And here they are, after all...
A couple of shots of Ian's first day of Kindergarten:
At
this point you may be asking, "Lisa... what the heck does this have to do
with the Mayans?" It's simple. Maybe my
world just ended. I have spent so much
time feeling hurt and desperate this year over things that I can't change. I have lost focus regarding what really
matters. And unlike the posts in which I
tried to convince myself that everything might still turn out just the way I
wanted it to; I'm legitimately ready to let go of that now. The truth is, I already have everything I have ever wanted.
I'm
not exactly living in a dream world.
2013 is going to bring with it some challenges, I'm sure. In fact, I could probably list a few already
if I really wanted to do so, and no doubt there are many others I have not even
imagined to this point. But isn't that always the way it is? If you'd asked me, last year at this time,
where I would be today; this probably wouldn't have been my answer. But here I am... (dare I finish the sentence)... send me...
L.
