Dear House,

Seven years ago, on the day before Thanksgiving, we pulled into your driveway and began our journey here.  I could not believe that you were mine.  Tomorrow, on the day before Thanksgiving, we will pull out of your driveway and end this journey.  And I am reminded that the things we think belong to us usually don't... at least not forever. 

 

It's been a good trip.  We built a life here, and I'm glad to take the memories with us.  Walking through you, I can see scenes from our life.  So many people we were glad to know.  So many happy moments.  I wouldn't even trade the difficult ones.  I know you're an inanimate object, but somehow you also feel like an old friend.  It is hard for me to look around and see a collection of empty rooms.  I have taken everything that wasn't nailed down, and let's face it, I took some stuff that was, as well.   

But I am leaving you one memory of us:

And the chalkboard.  I am leaving you the chalkboard, because I can't figure out how to get it off the wall:

I hope you will soon have new inhabitants that love you as much as we did.  I wonder if they will walk in, declare you the house of their dreams, and then begin to repaint and remodel.  I wonder if they will outgrow you.  If they do, I hope another family will come... and another... and another...  I hope more babies come home here and more children grow up here.  And I have asked God to bless you, from top to bottom, and to bless the people that live here in the days and years to come.

I have to stop writing now.  I wish I could stop crying.

Love,

L.

First Steps...

Oh my goodness, I really had no idea what it takes to record an EP!  Just sayin'!

Grace and I had such an amazing day at the recording studio yesterday.  We booked four hours, because somehow I thought that might be enough time to record six songs... Uh... not so much! 

Grace did manage to get all of the piano parts recorded for her album, and they sound amazing (and we've only heard the rough copy)!  We have booked four more hours, so in a couple of weeks we will be going back to record the vocals.

I am so glad Grace was blessed to have this experience!  I can't wait to hear the finished product!

Here's some pics:

L. 

Vacations Are My Love Language...

Sometime this summer, I came upon a couple of photos on Facebook that made me chuckle and then caused me to contemplate the art of vacationing.

First:

I have to be honest...  I don't relate all that well to this photo.  But it does make a good point, at least to a certain extent.  This summer, we did a little bit of traveling, but we didn't really take a vacation.  I was feeling particularly crummy about this when a dear friend of mine started posting about the amazing family vacation her family was getting ready to take (read this, jealous)... a road trip out west, which is exactly what I wanted to do this summer.  (Kelly, if you're reading this, keep reading...  I got over it, and I looked forward to all of your vacation pictures and updates!  I loved them, and I can't wait to hear all about your trip, because we are going to take a similar one... someday...)

But here's the funny thing that happened to me.  As the pictures started showing up, I found myself saying things like, "St. Louis!  Oh my goodness, that was one of my favorite trips ever!"  And, "Hey kids, come look at this!  Do you remember when we had a view of Pike's Peak from our apartment in Colorado Springs?" And, "Check out the Grand Canyon!  Hey Seth, did you know dad and I visited the Grand Canyon when I was like 2 days pregnant with you?"  Our friends had an incredible trip.  And I just about fell apart when I realized that, in many ways, we had already lived it!  We have lived that kind of life from which you don't need to escape.  My goodness, the past 17 years have taken us an awful lot of places!  And I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Then, there's the second picture: 

And this is exactly it.  This is why I enjoy vacations so much.  This is why vacations are my love language.  You see, I have rarely seen a vacation as an escape from life.  Instead, I have viewed vacations as an integral part, days and weeks in which we clear our calendar of the mundane, ordinary tasks so we can just be together.  And even though it's not an escape, I do think it makes us all the better when we return to our ordinary lives.  Vacations are something special.  They are celebrations in the midst of struggles.  They are ceremonial.  And, dare I say it, they may even be sacramental.  

Live a life you love.  And let it include memory making in whatever form you can.

L.

Life Happens...

I've been trying to work through my thoughts on some things for about a month now.  I feel like I need to be very clear, with this post, that just because I am having a rough time with some things does not mean that I do not recognize that I am surely, exactly where I'm supposed to be.  And I am blessed.  Really, really blessed.  So I don't want anyone to read into this post anything that isn't actually there.  I'm telling it like it is...

Let's backtrack to last month.  I took a pretty big hit.  I've only talked about it with a couple of people, because the truth is I spent about two weeks spontaneously bursting into tears, and... well... you all know how much I love to cry in public, so it was much easier to just stuff it.  There is something I have wanted to do since I was about 15 years old.  It's the kind of something that you tell people about when you're 15, and you say, "When I grow up, I want to be (fill in the blank)," and they look at you like you're a little off, shake their heads, and say, "That's never going to happen, but keep dreaming..."  Well, last month I was one of three "finalists" for just what I wanted... and that's as far as I got... 

Sometimes I feel like I'm still paying for decisions I made 16 years ago, but the lesson I cannot learn from that is, "don't make decisions!"  And so, as I so often do, I decided that instead of continuing to burst into tears for the next two weeks, I would breathe in... and breathe out... and keep moving...  I watched "Tangled", chanted, "I need a new dream," about a hundred thousand times... and I was just about OK.

In the ensuing weeks, the rug was pulled out from under us, not once, but twice more, regarding things we have dreamed of for years.  It's been this ugly process of just barely getting a handle on the emotions that go along with these kinds of disappointments and then blinking, only to find something else staring me in the face.  And I'm really, really tired of fighting.

So, the following quotation hit me like a ton of bricks the other day, 

"You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream." - C. S. Lewis

I don't think I can recall a time in my adult life when I have not had at least some sort of idea regarding what I wanted.  Today, I have no idea, and I'm not good with that.  Maybe I should be, but I'm not.  It's not that I don't have the general principle right.  I want what God wants.  I just don't know what that looks like in my everyday life anymore.  

These songs are helping, but you could pray for me, too.  It's been a rough one...

L.

Broken Bread

By: Rend Collective Experiment

May I be broken bread, may I be poured out wine
May I incarnate, Your kindness Lord
Spend my life Jesus, anyway You please
Whether on great things, or what seems small

Your will done your way
Your will done your way
Your will done your way

I will not fight You
Take me past the line that my heart draws
I will not fight You
Take me beyond the laziness of my thoughts
I will not fight
Lead me further than I've gone before
I will not fight You
I'm abandoned to Your call

Your will done your way

Do not let there be, any part of me
That’s untouchable, unreachable
Let my delight be, living out Your dreams
Washing dirty feet, and kissing yours

Your will done your way
Your will done your way
Your will done your way

I will not fight You
Take me past the line that my heart draws
I will not fight You
Take me beyond the laziness of my thoughts
I will not fight
Lead me further than I've gone before
I will not fight You
I'm abandoned to Your call

Call

God let Your dreams come true, dream through us
God let Your dreams come true through us

God let Your dreams come true, dream through us
God let Your dreams come true through us

Dream through us

And...

Everything is Yours

Audrey Assad

When all the world is blossoming
When everything around is bursting into life
And I don't have to strain to hear the beat of Your heart
Oh, Oh, Oh

When all the world is under fire
and the skies are threatening to thunder and rain
And I am overcome by fears that I can't see
Oh, Oh, Oh

If everything is Yours
Everything is Yours
If everything is Yours
I can let it go

No it was never mine to hold

Who could command the stars to sing
Or hold the raging seas from breaking through the doors
Until the fragile roses wear the very same hand
Oh, Oh, Oh
Oh, Oh, Oh

If everything is Yours
Everything is Yours
If everything is Yours
I can let it go

I can let it

I can let it go

Cause everything is Yours
Yeah everything is Yours
If everything is Yours
Everything is Yours
If everything is Yours
I can let it go
Oh, no

It was never mine to hold
Oh, Oh, Oh
Oh, Oh, Oh

I Can't Help But Love...

These kids:

And these favorite outside activities:

 Miah couldn't get over the fact that she was, 

"coloring on the floor,"

and no one was stopping her..

.

Ian kept presenting me with flowers,

asking if they were poisonous,

and then proclaiming that I am the best mom ever...

And this song:

Sacred

By Caedmon’s Call

This house is a good mess
It’s the proof of life
No way would I trade jobs
But it don’t pay overtime

I’ll get to the laundry
I don’t know when
I’m saying a prayer tonight
‘Cause tomorrow it starts again

Could it be that everything is sacred?
And all this time
Everything I’ve dreamed of
Has been right before my eyes

The children are sleeping
But they’re running through my mind
The sun makes them happy
And the music makes them unwind

My cup runneth over
And I worry about the stain
Teach me to run to You
Like they run to me for every little thing

When I forget to drink from you
I can feel the banks harden
Lord, make me like a stream
To feed the garden

Wake up, little sleeper
The Lord, God Almighty
Made your Mama keeper
So rise and shine
Rise and shine ‘cause

Everything is sacred
And all this time
Everything I’ve dreamed of
Has been right before my eyes

L.

You Can't "Get" Christmas...

I feel irritated this morning.  But let me backtrack.

I really love this time of year.  I am ready to pull out the Christmas music, Thanksgiving is coming, and, admittedly, I ordinarily even make an annual Black Friday shopping trip.  So before anyone decides that I am indignant and self righteous, let's get this one thing straight.  I am just as materialistic as the next person.  I am not proud of this... at all.  It has been a struggle my entire life.  I've been working on it for years, and there are moments in which I think I have it licked.  But if I'm not careful it will come back to bite me.

I really enjoy giving gifts at Christmas.  I can sometimes be "over the top".  There have been years in which I have shopped, sporadically, for 365 days, just to find the "perfect" gift.  We made the front page of the newspaper one year, because our kids were sprawled out in a shopping cart at 4:00am the day after Thanksgiving.  I am the mom who is willing to fight it out at Target for the last camera or hit every Toys R Us for the Strawberry Shortcake house.  In case anyone has forgotten, I am an adrenaline junkie, so I think the experience is actually just about as much fun for me as the actual purchase.  I enjoy having a story to tell.

We have had Christmases on which the entire living room floor was covered in packages.  Last year, in the midst of financial struggles, we sat the kids down and told them that we probably would not have much in the way of presents.  They were absolutely fine with that, even reminding us that Christmas isn't really about presents, at all.  Phil and I also cancelled a surprise vacation that had been in the works for five years.  As a mom, I felt pretty crumby about what our "Christmas" was going to look like.  Amazingly enough, through a series of crazy events and deal shopping, we did, indeed, spend Christmas Day in the Magic Kingdom at Disney World after all!  So when I write this, please understand that I know full well that I do not really grasp the desperate situations that most of the population of the world has to endure.  God has always provided for everything we need and even most of what we want.  I understand this.

This year is going to be a little different.  If last year looked like it was going to be a meager Christmas spread (even though it turned out almost excessive), this year really is going to be on the light side.  I don't feel awful about it.  In fact, I love knowing that my children are going to be thankful for Christmas, regardless of whether or not there are packages under the tree (which there will be... some...).  I love knowing that my oldest four children have all asked Jesus to live in their hearts and that they are seeking to follow Him more every day.  I love that we will wake up on Christmas morning, read the story of Jesus' birth, celebrate the Eucharist, and then spend the day dozing on the couch and futon (broken down as they may be), snuggling, watching Christmas DVDs and listening to Christmas music.   

 And with that, let's get back to the reason I was feeling so frustrated...

I keep hearing people say things like, "I don't have enough money to 'get' Christmas this year," or, "We aren't going to 'have' Christmas this year".  I am watching people as they advertise on social networking sites that they need someone to "get" them Christmas, because they can't afford it.

HELLO!  You can't "get" Christmas!  Jesus is Christmas!

I probably needed this perspective as much as anyone.  But I just felt compelled to share it.  So as we head toward the advent season, let's all remember that in little or plenty there is a reason for this celebration that far surpasses packages and bows. 

L.

I Will Choose To Be Thankful...

Life doesn't always pan out the way I plan it.  Alright...  Let's be real.  Life almost never pans out the way I plan it.  It's OK.

And so I find myself, on this beautiful first day of October, breathing in... and breathing out... and wondering which direction to take from here. 

I cannot begin to promise that the tears have all been shed.  I think, maybe, they have been.  But I know I am still processing things, and that might take hours or years.  Sometimes it comes to me in bits and pieces.

However, I woke up, this morning, thinking about my blessings.  It was a good way to wake up.

And so, I am thankful.

I am thankful for God... God who has never failed us... God who will not break character and begin failing today... or tomorrow... or ever...  I am thankful for who God is.

I am thankful for Phil... Phil who understands my heart, even when there are no words... We've lived a lot of life together... Words are overrated...

I am thankful for Seth... Seth who is becoming who I always hoped he'd be, right in front of my eyes...

I am thankful for Grace... Grace who is so full of worship today I can almost taste it...

I am thankful for Caleb... Caleb who senses everything and loves unconditionally anyway...

I am thankful for Ian... Ian who knows what it is to be a true nonconformist and will likely change the world someday...

I am thankful for Miah... Miah who completes us and requires energy levels that I no longer thought I possessed, keeping me young...

I am thankful for family members and friends who will read this post and have the grace to pray and not to ask more questions than I can answer... and who might even like my link on Facebook...

I am thankful for ministry opportunities, and especially for Brandy, Lacee, Bri, Nathan, and Stephen who remind me, constantly, how life changes... and shifts... and grows and how things that seem like the end of the world often aren't...

I am thankful for NNU's spiritual formation program which has provided me with new friends and a safe place to share even the things I can't begin to post here...

I am thankful for Nancy, my spiritual director, who has already made a huge impact on my life and continues to do so in humility...

I am thankful for the small circle of ladies who have shown up sort of unexpectedly and worked their way into my life, even when I wasn't looking for them... For Kelly, Suzanne, and Brandi, who pray for us and never respond to my messages with anything but grace and love, even when I'm sure what I share is raw...

I am thankful for our house.  I love this house, even though it doesn't have enough bedrooms.  I am also thankful, however, for the reminder that it is just wood... and drywall... and paint... and carpet that really needs to be replaced...

I am thankful for cupboards and a refrigerator full of food...

I am thankful for my camera... and my other camera... and my other camera... and my other camera that I let Phil use...

I am thankful that my children have had every opportunity possible, even when it seemed impossible...

I am thankful for wonderful memories, and especially for vacation memories, because I love vacationing...

I am thankful for the ability to wake up and accept substitute teaching jobs that make me crazy and for the excellent phone interview I had, just now, in the midst of writing this...

And now, perhaps, I am getting random.

Here's the point, though.  I am really blessed.  I have far too many blessings sitting right in front of my face to spend any amount of time worrying about what I don't have.

God provides.  Always has.  Always will.

L.