This Might Be the Most Important Post I Have Ever Written...

The past month has taken me places I thought I would never go.  And I mean never.

I'm not even going to try to make excuses for it.  It was just me.  Pretty much being an idiot.  But I would like to explain, apologize, maybe share something I've learned.  

I have struggled, deeply, with... everything.  And in the midst of this struggle I did some research that led me to the following quote, which has been haunting me since I first read it:

"A cloud of missed possibilities envelops every beginning: it is always this beginning, this universe, and not some other. Decision lacks innocence. Around its narrations gather histories of grievance: what possibilities were excluded?" (Keller, 2003, 160).  

I know, I know, who cites stuff on a personal blog?  Bear with me...

There is a part of me that wishes this book was never suggested.  Heck, there is a part of me that wishes this quote was never penned.  Sometimes I think it was easier when I didn't know as much.  I've been quoting Ecclesiastes 1:18 for a long time now, "For with much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief" (NIV).  It is still true.  The more I know, the truer it gets.  Even though I love learning, sometimes I just want to stop.  I can see myself with my hands over my ears, but I can never quite say, "Enough is enough!"  I don't really know if I should share this.  Maybe your life would be better if you didn't know it.  Quite seriously, if you think that might possibly be the case, don't read on.  It's OK.  I don't need you to know this.

But, here's the thing.  We all make choices.  I grew up thinking that there was always one right choice, one good choice, one best choice, just one.  I think I was wrong.  In fact, looking back on it I think there are a lot of good choices I could have made, that I didn't, even when the choices I did make were good ones.  This is much more painful than looking at the good choices in my life and thinking, "Well, I dodged a bullet there... and there... and there..."  If there are multiple good choices, that means we miss out on something good, even when we choose the very best thing we're capable of choosing in the moment.  Histories of grievance are not easy to deal with.

I would like to suggest that you don't even try.  It might cause your heart to break over excluded possibilities, and believe me, you don't want to go there.  Not really.      
   
For days... and days... and days...  in a corporate worship experience, I have been directed back to Psalm 51:17, "My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise" (NIV).  I don't really like being broken as much as I used to.  But it's OK.

I want to fix this.  In fact, I had a really amazing time with God last night, driving home in the dark with a couple of sleeping kids, just listening.  I need to embrace my life, and it's not even that hard to do, because my life really is amazing.  As a variation on a common phrase in the business world, whatever you're doing is perfectly designed for the results you're getting.  I have made good choices.  If the six other people who live at my house are any indication, the results are near perfect.  

But I have to be honest.  I don't have it all together.  Humility is hard, and I think I'm headed for a season of healing that is going to take more time than I want it to.  I'm committed to however long it takes.  You could definitely pray for me.

L. 

Works Cited:

Holy Bible. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2011. Print.

Keller, Catherine. Face of the Deep: A Theology of Becoming. London: Routledge, 2003. Print.

Close Only Counts...

... in horseshoes and hand grenades...

... and life.  Close counts in life.

It's been one of those...

Hmmm...  It's difficult to finish a complete thought right now.

Phil and I were talking, the other day, about how boring (and maybe insignificant) life would be if we got everything we wanted, whenever we wanted, from whomever we wanted, all the time.  And you know, if we're going to take Scripture seriously, then I think we have to think twice about the way we perceive suffering... affliction... and maybe even just not getting what we want...

Our family has had an awful lot of those "close" moments lately.  I am chuckling to myself as I write this, because I realize that there are a lot of people out there who could read this and say, "Oh, she's talking about (fill in the blank)," and they'd probably all be right!  The real irony is that if you know about one (or more) of these moments, they are probably not the ones that have hit the hardest.  And now I realize that I've probably left a few of you feeling pretty special, because you think you're the one who knows...  Ah...  this little conversation with myself could go around in circles for a long time.  But I digress...

Sometimes I am baffled that I get to mother the most amazing kids in the world.  In the midst of my  struggles, it sort of blew me away when my 12 year old daughter, who was referring to her own "close" moment, not any of mine, said to me (and I paraphrase), "Mom, I think I have a responsibility to lead from where I am."  Uh...  OK...  Maybe there's a reason that Jesus encourages us to be like little children...

Things are not always going to go the way we had hoped.  I am counting my blessings that they're close, because not everybody can say that, either.  Carry on...

L.

Welcome Home…

Today has been a really fantastic day.  My emotions are running exceptionally high, which is sometimes resulting in tears, but it’s all good.

Ready to Start Our Day:

I’m not sure what I expected to feel like, returning to my home district, EMD, after so many years.  I was pregnant with Grace when I last quizmastered on EMD, and of course it was quite a number of years before that when I last quizzed.  I felt exceptionally old when asked, today, how many years I had been involved in teen quizzing.  Nineteen.  That’s a big number, especially considering even the oldest kids on the seats today were not yet born when I started quizzing!

On our drive to the quiz, we passed my High School, and the town is just unrecognizable.  I have driven by a few times in recent years, but it’s always a little bit of a shock.  Things change.  Life changes.  But today, although many things were new and different, I got a glimpse into a few rare moments of feeling as if things stay the same, too…

I love old friends.  I know I mentioned this a couple of weeks back, but today I got to see quite a few old friends, and there is just something special about a hug that comes with the understanding that even though years have separated us, and even though we don’t look young… or thin… and even though our hair is turning gray now, there are still common bonds that can’t be broken… things that keep us together and that span decades…  decades…

So… today I was in my element.  I was home.  And I even figured out the new software in about 2 ½ minutes, with a little help.  Having an amazing day is always good, but avoiding embarrassment doesn’t hurt, either!

How did the quiz go?

Seth and Grace did really well, as has become their M.O.  Grace found herself in a tie for 1^st/2^nd place with an 86.67 average and had to participate in a 5 question quiz off, which also ended in a tie.  This resulted in sudden death, and although she took a great jump and came from the right passage on question 6, she couldn’t quite pull it out.  So, she finished in second place and brought home a $750.00 scholarship to Olivet Nazarene University!  Let’s not forget she is 11!  No shame in that!  Seth had a 61.67 average, also very good.  He also received recognition for his willingness to jump (see below)!  The team entered the tournament seeded 10^th and finished in 6^th.  Now, if we could just pick up another quizzer… or two… or three!

Seth being rewarded for his 13 (out of 18 possible) errors

Hey…  You can’t get the right answer if you don’t get the jump!

Top 15 Individual Quizzers:

After the quiz we met up with Phil’s childhood friend, Chuck, and his wife, Allie.  Had a great time just hanging out and catching up at McDs, and then I admit we picked up some Gus’ breadsticks on the way back to Phil’s Mom and Dad’s house.

This is a phone pic. of us at McDs...

Uh... and my eyes are closed!

At present, three little people are sleeping and I am assuming that Seth and Grace are still debriefing.  I don’t really know, because I’m hiding away in a bedroom to type this!

Favorite quote of the day, after our friend Steve watched the kids quiz, in reference to Grace, “She is just like you!”  For better or for worse… in top finishes and meltdowns… that’s my girl!

L.

I Saw A Quote...

... the other day.  It came from the Musikgarten Facebook page.  This is what it said:

"The fact that children

can make beautiful music

is less significant

than the fact that music

can make beautiful children"

-Cheryl Lavender

I don't know who Cheryl Lavender is, but wow... she nailed it!

As many of you know, Grace is becoming quite the pianist.  Honestly, music is sort of her life (or at least a significantly large chunk of it).  She has big plans, and those plans include becoming a piano teacher someday.  She practices for more than an hour on most days, without being asked.  She composes music.  Everyone loves to hear her play when they visit.  People like to hear her play at church.  Grandmas and Grandpas come for her concerts and recitals.  She wins stuff.  I am over the moon proud of her.  Undoubtedly, Grace makes beautiful music.  This post is in no way intended to diminish that fact. 

But then there's Caleb...

Caleb loves life.  He is in his second year of piano classes, and he is at least a full book behind his class.  He doesn't really care, because he is hanging out with his friends (most of them have been in music class, together, since age four), and he is learning a little bit of something about music.  Most people don't ask to hear him play when they come over.    He practices when he thinks about it, which is roughly twice a week... for around 30 minutes.  But today was "Mini Musicale", so he put in about an hour.  I can't begin to tell you how many times I listened to "Oranges and Lemons" today.

At any rate, I joined him for Mini Musicale, but I knew we would have to leave early, as our basketball schedule is right on top of music class for the next nine weeks.  I love to participate with Caleb in class... and what I mean by participate is watch.  Caleb always... always... thinks I need to dance (even if the other parents are not).  So, of course, I do (if you can call it that...  I am seriously challenged in this area).  After the longest dance of all time (well, except for "The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy", to which I was subjected at the Christmas party, and may I say that Phil does a mean sugar plum fairy... much better than me), I paused to grab my camera, and the class was already dancing the new dance before Caleb realized I was conspicuously missing.  I was so glad to capture this shot.  Music does, indeed, make beautiful children"!

 

Shortly after the dancing, we had to go.  The actual Mini Musicale, where the kids get to play several selections for the parents who are present, hadn't happened yet.  As we walked through the doorway, Caleb exclaimed, "Mom!  All my practice will be wasted!"  We walked back in and I asked if Caleb could go first.  Of course, he played "Oranges and Lemons"... and you know what?  He played it just perfectly and got a star!

I wonder what we'll be listening to next week? 

L. 

“Putting Down” The Christmas Tree…

I guess Ian figured if you put the Christmas tree up, you must also “put” it down… silly kid…

At any rate, that’s exactly what Phil and I did this afternoon.

We had the strangest configuration ever for our tree this past Christmas.  I have an ongoing fear that someone will knock the tree down and get hurt.  Although there are probably a lot of things you could say are neurotic fears that I should just get over, let me put it out there that when Seth and Grace were toddlers they actually did knock the tree down, so there is really nothing you could say to assure me this never happens…  I have lived it!  Anyway… as wild as Caleb was when he was little, he was not so wild that we worried too much about the tree, and Ian was the easiest baby of all time.  For years we have roped the tree to a plant hook in the ceiling, and I just recently realized that the kids thought that was the sole purpose for those hooks… too funny…  It’s been a good solution, but then there was Miah…  We actually considered not putting the tree up at all this time around!

Then we had a brilliant idea!  We would put the tree up in the play room and block it off with an extra tall baby gate that we screwed into the wall, because the truth is Miah is capable of climbing regular sized baby gates, and she can knock down anything that is not at least semi-permanently attached… no kidding…

This plan worked perfectly except for the fact that our kids have been banned from the play room for the past month!  I mean, what kind of parents do that?  Uh… that was rhetorical!

And so… the tree is down!  And the playroom has never looked better.  I’m even considering opening the gate…  Maybe, tomorrow… 

This is one of my favorite rooms in our house...

Sometimes we refer to it as "The Gallery"

L.

I Do Confess...

Wait for it…

Today was probably the best transition back to school that we have ever had.  I cannot begin to describe the voluminous amount of work the kids accomplished, and somewhere between directing traffic from one computer to another, listening to the sound of the piano, holding Ian in my lap on the kitchen floor as he read, and the smell of fresh, homemade bread baking; I was really happy.

Insert cheesy (pun intended) picture of the day here:

 Very Tasty Homemade Cheesy, Garlic Bread
(I also made white bread and pumpkin bread today!)

If you just took a look at my life for the past five months, you might not imagine that I love being a wife and mom.  Since graduation, I have been in the midst of an almost all consuming (does that make it most consuming) cycle of job searches, applications, and interviews.  If one more person implies that I have no experience or that I’m not qualified for a position, just because I chose to stay home and raise my children and to spend my entire adult life volunteering to help people who no one else wants to be near, they are probably going to see the not so Christian side of me.  But the truth is; I really don’t want a job… I mean, another job…  (I wouldn’t mind, however, if someone wanted to pay me for the roles I currently play).

Oh yeah, I was going to confess…

I sat down briefly, today, at my laptop; checked my e-mail; checked Facebook; and suddenly (and rather silently, since Miah repeats absolutely everything now and we cannot get the word, “stupid,” out of her vocabulary) let out an, “Oh, crap!”  This was when the realization dawned that the kids aren’t the only ones who have to go back to school today.  My class starts, too…

And this is my confession.  I’m in Grad. School… have been since August.

I have kept relatively quiet about it to this point, because I just didn’t want to have to “answer” to anyone for this decision.  To be honest, I’ve probably bitten off more than I can chew, but I do enjoy learning, I’m extremely comfortable in academia, and it’s always nice to rack up another straight A semester.  But I’m worn out, and if I didn’t feel as if I had to stay in school, I probably would have at least taken a break (my first day of class was two days after graduation).  Don’t get me wrong.  I love the program - I am a theology major at N.N.U.  How I ended up there is probably a story for another time – but I’m not particularly looking forward to the 2:00am bedtime… especially with the alarm set for 6:00.

Staying in school keeps the financial aid rolling and postpones the inevitable school loan payments.  In many ways, it is an answer to the prayer, “Give us today our daily bread” (Matthew 6:11), and that’s an interesting concept, since I was baking bread, today, when it started rolling around in my head.  Of course, I could be taking my Scripture out of context, because when I told Ian that, “Man does not live on bread alone,” in an attempt to get him to finish his dinner, Grace reminded me, quickly, that man also does not live on chicken…

L.