End Game...

Funny when you realize the dream wasn't ever really the dream...

What do you want?  What will make you happy? 

These are questions that have been bouncing around in my heart for quite some time now.  Sometimes it's my husband asking, because he is this legitimately amazing person who would actually move heaven and earth to purchase, do, be, make happen whatever it is that I want, if it is within his power to do so, and sometimes even if it's not.  I'm not sure how many dads look at their future sons-in-law and say, "Good luck with this one," but mine did.  I am high maintenance... apparently...

But more often than not, these questions have been internal.  I have been asking them myself.  And I haven't been able to come up with very good answers, if I'm honest, which I try to be.  But there is a common theme.  Over and over and over again, I have said that what I want, what would make me happy, is stability.  And I really believed it.  But then I lived through the past 19 months...

In October of 2013, I was thrilled to be going "home".  After a 12 year journey that took us through 5 states, 9 houses, 6 churches, and more heartbreak than I ever thought I could live through, we were finally going to have that "moment" when you realize that God really loves you and has set aside this particular second in history just for you, to show you how everything has worked together for good, how it was all necessary to bring you to the specific place for which you were born.  Breathe in, breathe out, the trouble is over, the years that the locusts ate are finished, you can stop wandering around in the desert, because this is why you were created.  You... have... arrived.

It was the dream.  This was everything I ever wanted... in 1997.

Here we were moving into a little house just yards away from the first home we ever owned, from the house we walked away from in 2001 to begin this adventure.  That house long since burned to the ground, but this one is eerily similar to such a point that I sometimes forget the dining room, laundry room, and master bedroom are not the ones from the original house.  This is what our lives would have looked like if we'd lived in the same house all these years...

Here we were taking a staff position at a church that is small, but not too small, that has a calendar with no space for another event, that has blended worship and canned music and a youth group and children's programming for the kids.  This is what our lives would have looked like if we had landed the elusive youth pastorate at a desirable church all those years ago and just hung on...

If Phil had become a course of study guy, trading an extensive education for ordination the quick and easy way, never questioning, never learning new things...

If I had avoided school altogether, settling in with the homesteading families and living under the umbrella of submission, never really seeking the call God had for my life... 

If the kids had embraced the safety of mediocrity instead of flourishing in their spiritual formation and talents, missing out on the beauty of nonconformity...

We could have done it, too.  We could have been those people.  But we never would have been us.  And chances are pretty good we wouldn't have known you.  Yes, you, particularly if you are one of the hundreds upon hundreds of people we met because of the choices we made over those 12 years.  What a loss... for us... for you... for the world... for the Kingdom...

What I wanted at 17 is not what I want at 35.  Let me be clear.  I don't want this.  I don't want this, but I am so thankful that God allowed us to experience it, because I might have spent my entire life wishing for something I didn't want if these months hadn't played out like they have.  I don't want this, and I know now that it's not what we were created for.  I don't want this, I was wrong, and it's OK.

May I return, briefly, to these haunting words that have changed my life forever?  "A cloud of missed possibilities envelops every beginning: it is always this beginning, this universe, and not some other. Decision lacks innocence. Around its narrations gather histories of grievance: what possibilities were excluded?" (Keller, 2003, 160).  Oh, friends, there are possibilities that were excluded, but I am less and less convinced that histories of grievance are worth grieving, for had we made different decisions, had we chosen a different beginning, a different universe, we would be grieving you.  We would be grieving us.

I don't have to wonder anymore.  I have seen things in the past few months that most people never get to see.  Sometimes I feel a little bit like I am in The Twilight Zone, or maybe I'm George Bailey, because I honestly believe I have been given the opportunity to see what life would have looked like if we'd made different choices.  There are still moments of letting go that are difficult, but overall I know we did what was right.  There's no staying here, though.  Turn page, time for another adventure...

L.

Welcome Home…

Today has been a really fantastic day.  My emotions are running exceptionally high, which is sometimes resulting in tears, but it’s all good.

Ready to Start Our Day:

I’m not sure what I expected to feel like, returning to my home district, EMD, after so many years.  I was pregnant with Grace when I last quizmastered on EMD, and of course it was quite a number of years before that when I last quizzed.  I felt exceptionally old when asked, today, how many years I had been involved in teen quizzing.  Nineteen.  That’s a big number, especially considering even the oldest kids on the seats today were not yet born when I started quizzing!

On our drive to the quiz, we passed my High School, and the town is just unrecognizable.  I have driven by a few times in recent years, but it’s always a little bit of a shock.  Things change.  Life changes.  But today, although many things were new and different, I got a glimpse into a few rare moments of feeling as if things stay the same, too…

I love old friends.  I know I mentioned this a couple of weeks back, but today I got to see quite a few old friends, and there is just something special about a hug that comes with the understanding that even though years have separated us, and even though we don’t look young… or thin… and even though our hair is turning gray now, there are still common bonds that can’t be broken… things that keep us together and that span decades…  decades…

So… today I was in my element.  I was home.  And I even figured out the new software in about 2 ½ minutes, with a little help.  Having an amazing day is always good, but avoiding embarrassment doesn’t hurt, either!

How did the quiz go?

Seth and Grace did really well, as has become their M.O.  Grace found herself in a tie for 1^st/2^nd place with an 86.67 average and had to participate in a 5 question quiz off, which also ended in a tie.  This resulted in sudden death, and although she took a great jump and came from the right passage on question 6, she couldn’t quite pull it out.  So, she finished in second place and brought home a $750.00 scholarship to Olivet Nazarene University!  Let’s not forget she is 11!  No shame in that!  Seth had a 61.67 average, also very good.  He also received recognition for his willingness to jump (see below)!  The team entered the tournament seeded 10^th and finished in 6^th.  Now, if we could just pick up another quizzer… or two… or three!

Seth being rewarded for his 13 (out of 18 possible) errors

Hey…  You can’t get the right answer if you don’t get the jump!

Top 15 Individual Quizzers:

After the quiz we met up with Phil’s childhood friend, Chuck, and his wife, Allie.  Had a great time just hanging out and catching up at McDs, and then I admit we picked up some Gus’ breadsticks on the way back to Phil’s Mom and Dad’s house.

This is a phone pic. of us at McDs...

Uh... and my eyes are closed!

At present, three little people are sleeping and I am assuming that Seth and Grace are still debriefing.  I don’t really know, because I’m hiding away in a bedroom to type this!

Favorite quote of the day, after our friend Steve watched the kids quiz, in reference to Grace, “She is just like you!”  For better or for worse… in top finishes and meltdowns… that’s my girl!

L.

"And the State of the Union is..."

... what?

I just listened to President Obama drone on and on... he blamed the previous administration for the state of our country... he blamed congress and repeatedly encouraged them to put bills on his desk for one thing or another... and then he basically said that he intended to do whatever he wants, with or without the support of the rest of our government. He actually asked for more power.

About 70 minutes into the speech, he closed proclaiming that the state of the union will always be strong. Really? Hmmm...

There is a lot I could say. The truth is, I almost voted for the man. Maybe I was drunk. That's pretty unlikely, since I've never had an alcoholic drink in my life, but I'm grasping at straws here...

I struggle, even now, because I have always believed that we should have a healthy respect for the leaders of our government... even if we don't agree with them... but I just don't have that kind of respect for President Obama. I want him out of office. Period.

I shared on facebook several months ago about how Seth and Grace are involved in a Black History Club through their on-line school, and when asked what the best thing President Obama could do for our country was, Seth responded, "leave"! I said it then, and I'll say it now... The mother in me who tries to teach respect for leadership was somewhat taken aback. The conservative in me walked out of the room, closed the door (so as not to be seen by the children), and laughed hysterically. And maybe there was a fist pump or two...

That's not how I want to view the President of the United States. It just isn't.

Of all the things I could mention from this State of the Union Address, the one that struck me as the most ridiculous was this. President Obama actually said, "What's happening in Detroit can happen in other industries"! He said this as if it would be a good thing. I was dumbfounded.

Because, you see... I'm from Detroit. I love Detroit. And I have watched as many of my Michigan friends and family members have struggled under the worst of economic situations over the past few years. We want the whole country to be like Detroit? Wow...

I have yet to make a decision about who I will be casting my ballot for in the GOP primary. Maybe by the time we get to our primary I won't have a decision to make. My candidate of choice has been out for some time now, and no one who is left in the race is inspiring me all that much. But we've got to come together and make a good decision. Our future depends on it.

Lisa

Phil’s Graduation Trip, Day 5…

This was supposed to be our “down day”…

We started the morning by going to Early Church at Nampa First Church of the Nazarene. I was so pleased with the child care staff, who managed to keep Miah for the whole service even though she was unhappy at times. This provided me with an opportunity to participate in a corporate worship gathering from start to finish for the first time in a very long time. I was not disappointed in the least. We had the privileged of seeing Pete become a member of Nampa First, and we experienced Holy Spirit moving in a way that was so amazingly powerful. It was a very, very good start to another wonderfully made day.

As it it Mother’s Day, Phil wanted to take me out for lunch, even though we have enough leftovers in the mini-fridge for a small feast. We headed for Boise Town Square, where we got a buzzer for The Cheesecake Factory and did a little shopping at Borders while we waited for a table. All I can really say is, “Wow!” I have experienced The Cheesecake Factory once before in my life, and it is not that great of a memory, to be honest. This time was much, much better, primarily because of the company I had, but the food was delicious, as well! Miah was a real stinker, but we survived!

When we arrived back in Nampa, we took some pictures on campus. We actually took a lot of pictures, but here is my favorite one:

Then we made our way back to the hotel, did some packing, swam for an hour (Marco Polo is a riot with Caleb), and took a dip in the hot tub. This is all understated. It was an incredible day. There are just no words.

Lisa

PS Some things are meant to be cherished and remembered in our hearts…

May We Never Forget…

This morning, I woke up…

Much like other mornings, although since it is Saturday, I didn’t wake up to an alarm, but rather to a 3 year old crawling into bed with me…

I rolled out of that bed minutes later… banished Ian to the hallway so I could go to the bathroom… looked out the window and lamented that it is raining (I never lament the rain… actually, I love it… but I am supposed to do an outdoor portrait shoot this evening)… headed down the stairs… turned on the Wii… jumped on the balance board (well… not literally… you are not supposed to jump on the balance board)… and began my workout…

I thought about what we should have for breakfast… the birthday party we are going to later… and the rain (again) that I heard pounding on my windows and roof. I thought about Phil and the teens he took to a quiz this morning… and the schoolwork that I need to get done late this evening…

And then I thought (almost as an after note), “What is today’s date, anyway?”

And it was September 11th . And then I remembered…

I remembered waking up to make a bottle for Seth… walking into the “office” to get what I thought would be an update on the Tigers from Phil… plane image on the computer… tower burning… TV turning on… second plane crashing… second tower burning… phones ringing… no one reaching Dad, flying Detroit to Chicago… baby bouncing in the doorway with Cheerios all day long…

Fast forward to today again… I checked facebook…

And my friends are doing much what I did when I woke up. They are posting wedding pictures… heading out for soccer games… and football games… and first haircuts… celebrating births… and lazy Saturdays…

It’s ironic, but when the events of September 11th first happened, I thought we would never stop talking about it… and thinking about it… and for some time, that was true… Although the references come far less frequently now; I have had several occasions this past year when I have thought of September 11th sort of “out of context”. These thoughts certainly come every time I walk past the picture collage of our honeymoon… hung in our living room… with me on the ferry and the twin towers making up the backdrop…

I have done my best to explain September 11th to my children (only one who was even born at the time), and I think they “get it”… sort of… The conversations usually end with Seth saying, “Isn’t that the time I bounced all day long in the doorway with Cheerios?” and Grace saying, “Yeah… I was still in Mommy’s tummy!”

I realize as I look at my beautiful Miah (as she finishes up her breakfast), that she is probably going to understand the gravity of September 11th about as well as I understand Pearl Harbor. To her… it will be a history lesson. To those of us who lived it, it has changed life forever…

But Americans are resilient! I am starkly reminded of this as I go over the list of things we’re thinking about today! Terrorism has not robbed us of our celebrations… of our freedoms… of our fun… of our families… of our lives! And for that I am proud on this dreary Saturday morning!

But may we never forget…

And with that, I give a heartfelt thank you to all of our rescuers… fireman and women… paramedics… police officers… some who gave their lives in the September 11th rescue efforts… some who have given their lives at other times in the line of duty… and all who risk everything for our safety…

And I offer a heartfelt thanks to all of our service men and women who have risked their lives and often made the ultimate sacrifice to secure our freedom!

May we never forget…

Lisa

Stealin' Some Quotes...

I am a sucker for interesting quotes. I used to update pretty regularly with a "Quote of the Day" but have not done so in quite a while... However, when I check my e-mail there is always a quote of the day, and there have been a couple of pretty good ones lately that made me think. Hope you like these as much as I did:

Quote # 1: "History never looks like history when you are living through it." (John W. Gardner)

Quote #2: "Talent does what it can; genius does what it must." (Robert Bulwer Lytton)

For those of you who are still waiting on back blogs, hold on... I was halfway through my post about the children's museum when my browser crashed, and I don't have time to rewrite today...

Lisa

History Is Made...

I really have to begin with yesterday...

MLK Jr. Day probably doesn't mean as much as it ought to. We typically take the day off of school, but we really couldn't afford to do that this year, because we took a very nice vacation, and then we took a very nice Christmas break. So yesterday we went to school. We read a book about Martin Luther King, and I got to thinking that I'm not sure I have ever heard his famous "I Have A Dream" speech in it's entirety. I sat down with youtube and corrected that.

Figuring that it would be a bit much to ask the kids to sit through almost 18 minutes, I brought them in later on and played just the last five minutes for them. Originally, I was just going to have Seth and Grace watch this, but Caleb filed in, as well, so I didn't say anything and just decided I'd let him stick around until he was bored and then he would find his way back to his toys. Caleb jumped up on my lap and sat, riveted, during Dr. King's address. Seth and Grace payed attention... sort of... but they were pretty wiggly. As Dr. King finished with the famous, "Free at last. Free at last. Thank God almighty, we are free at last!" Grace said, "Is it time for Yogi Bear now?" And I said, "Yes," and she and Seth proceeded to run back to the living room. But Caleb turned around and looked at me and said, "Mommy, can't we watch the whole thing?" And you know... I think he actually took it all in. The child baffles me, really...

So today we went to the library and then kind of rushed home for the inauguration. We usually take our time at the library, but I think presidential inaugurations are quite educational, so I didn't want Seth and Grace (again) to miss this, and frankly, I wanted to see it myself. So... we gathered around the computer again. (For those of you who don't know, our TV doesn't get any channels... literally. We watch videos... and DVDs... and whatever we can get on blinkotv.com...) Anyway, we started watching around 11:30. By the time President Obama made his speech, Seth and Grace were all but dancing around the room, so bored they were... and Ian (who also felt the need to join in on this occasion) was playing with the mouse and pressing so many computer keys I thought I'd lose my mind... if not the broadcast! But there sat Caleb... takin' it all in again. When President Obama finished speaking, i told them they were all free to go do other school work, and Seth, Grace, and even Ian made like lightning for the rest of the house. But Caleb got mad at me, because it wasn't "over"...

Now, I've got to say, you might be thinking that all 4 year olds love TV and that it is natural for Caleb to want to stay glued to the screen at this age, but the truth is, Caleb has never really liked TV that much. I am often hard pressed to get him to sit still in front of his favorite cartoons for half an hour so that I can take a shower in peace or do the dishes. This was all rather uncharacteristic for him.

I think I underestimate Caleb sometimes. He is really going to be something... Heck, he already is...

So... change in America... I still like Barack Obama. I was pleased with the inauguration, although I thought the guy who gave the benediction was a little corny. I hope change is really on the way... the kind of change that is good... We need that. Time will tell...

Gotta go. Cookies are in the oven, friends are on the way...

Lisa

Where Were You?

9/11. Throughout history, the most critical events have been marked by each individual's ability to remember exactly what they were doing when "it" happened. My parents could tell you where they were when JFK was assassinated or when man first stepped on the moon, without thinking twice. I could tell you where I was when the Challenger was lost, and subsequently, where I was when the news of yet another space shuttle disaster, Columbia, reached my ears. But, without question, the events of September 11, 2001 are etched on my memory like no other.

It was a beautiful, typical morning for our family of three (plus my bulging belly... later known as Grace). Phil was sitting at his computer desk, just getting ready to check one of the Detroit papers, on-line, for the latest Tiger's scores. He often called to me to report these on any given morning. I had just begun to prepare Seth's bottles for the day, when Phil did, indeed, say, "Lisa, you have to come here!" Figuring that there was some clutch, game winning home run or something, I called back that he would have to hang on a minute. But he wasn't going to wait.

Within moments, I was staring at footage of a second plane flying, mercilessly, into the World Trade Center.

I sat down to read the breaking news, as Phil worked to get the television tuned in. The only word that comes even close to adequately describing my feelings is surreal. Somehow, I couldn't believe it was really happening.

At some point, I must have gathered my wits enough to finish making the bottles, because Seth didn't starve that day. In fact, we hung him up in a "Johnny Jumper" in the computer room doorway and fed him Cheerios all day long. And we watched the news for nearly 24 straight hours.

My immediate concerns were for my cousin who lives in New York City and for my dad who was on a flight to Chicago that morning. Both were fine, though I assume a bit inconvenienced. It took my dad hours to rent a car in order to get home.

As I think back on this event in history, today, I realize that I still have a difficult time wrapping my mind around what happened there. It changed our world forever... and it changed our world completely. Yet I think there are already a great number of people who have forgotten. I am not suggesting that we all dwell on the events of the past, day in and day out, until we find ourselves unable to live in the present or hope for the future. There is a time to move on. Our own family did just that, celebrating Seth's first birthday just four days after the attack... welcoming a new little princess to the world the following month... beginning our journey toward God's call just weeks later... and so on... and so on...

But I hope that we will always stop to remember, if only just for a moment, each September 11th.

Thanks for Reading.

Lisa