Directed at someone I don't even know... who probably
wouldn't care...
GET... OUT... OF... OUR... WAY!
That is all...
L.
Happiest Place on Earth
Showing posts with label meltdown. Show all posts
Showing posts with label meltdown. Show all posts
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Let's Be Real...
... Last week was terrible.
It has taken me several days to gather my thoughts on this. I'm still not sure they are completely coherent. But this is the thing... When I started blogging, it was for me. I love to write, and sometimes it's the best coping mechanism I have. So here we go... like it or not...
I've been thinking a lot about who I am. During this thought process, it occurred to me that somewhere... somehow... at some time... I left the driveling, watery-eyed little girl who used to burst into tears over nothing... and something... and everything in-between... behind. I hadn't seen her in a really long time. And I didn't miss her.
I like to think I'm pretty tough. And honestly... I kind of am.
Somewhere along the road, though, I think my potential for hope dwindled a bit, as well. I don't shoot as high as I used to, so it only stands to reason that there are less disappointments. Maybe that's the real reason there are less tears. Maybe I'm not as strong as I've imagined...
Because, you see, there was something I really wanted last week. And I didn't get it. And my goodness, if the floodgates didn't collapse...
I'd like to think I've come to a place in life where I'm simply going to be OK with whatever happens. I honestly do trust God in ways that I never would have imagined a decade ago. I have changed, and it is good. I have never been an advocate for a prosperity gospel. I know what it is to take up my cross, and I'm really not in the business of saving my life. Losing it is just fine. I love Psalm 37:4, because I do delight in the Lord, and I have worked hard to align my desires with His. And I prayed for this thing for months...
Ministry is really hard sometimes. I don't think that's the kind of thing a pastor's wife is supposed to write. Maybe I'm a lousy pastor's wife. Sometimes I wish a church would look upon my family and ask, "How badly do they need us?" instead of the other way around... But don't misunderstand. I know that's never really going to happen. And at some point, I'm going to have to suck it up... resign myself to the knowledge that this just wasn't what God wanted... and breathe in... and breathe out... and what? I honestly don't know...
I'm going to have to stop feeling so wounded. I absolutely cannot sit through another worship service, in tears, like I did on Easter Sunday, because although compassion is alright; I do not do pity well. And, besides... Anyone who cries all day long on Easter has got to be more than a little selfish, right? I can't be that... I can't afford to be that...
And I can't afford any elephants in the room, either. Let's just get that right out in the open... I have absolutely no emotional energy to invest in elephants. I'll take realism any day of the week... especially on Saturdays...
And so maybe someday we will land at a place my children love. And I know that's what's really killing me in all of this. But thankfully they don't have a clue. I'm still smarter than that.
And maybe we won't. And we'll spend the rest of our lives in a God-forsaken place that He sends us to, so we can show His love and it won't be so forsaken anymore...
And maybe I've been sitting in that place for 4 1/2 years...
And maybe I'm just going to keep sitting here...
This is such an ugly post.
I've got to come up with a better way to end it, right?
So, how about a song? I've been holding on to this one for the past few days...
You Are for Me
By: Kari Jobe
So faithful. So constant.
So loving and so true.
So powerful in all You do.
You fill me. You see me.
You know my every move
and You love for me to sing to You.
I know that You are for me.
I know that You are for me.
I know that You will never,
forsake me in my weakness
I know that You have come now,
even if to write upon my heart.
To remind me who You are.
So patient, So gracious,
So merciful and true…
So wonderful in all You do.
You know me. You see me.
You know my every move.
You love for me to sing to You
Lord, I know that You are for me.
I know that You are for me.
I know that You will never,
forsake me in my weakness.
I know that You have come now,
even if to write upon my heart.
To remind me that
I know that You are for me.
I know that You are for me.
I know that You will never,
forsake me in my weakness.
I know that You have come now,
even if to write upon my heart.
To remind me who You are.
To remind me...
I know that You are for me.
I know that You are for me.
I know that You will never,
forsake me in my weakness.
I know that You have come now,
even if to write upon my heart.
To remind me who You are.
Lisa
Friday, February 3, 2012
Mission Accomplished...
... Nursery Complete.
It's been an emotional roller coaster. I feel sort of silly about that, but it's the truth.
What started out as a nursery project became so much more...
First of all, let me say that as badly as I have wanted to create this room for Miah, I had no idea how hard it was going to be for me to paint over the "perfect" little girl room I created for Grace 4 years ago. To be completely honest, Grace couldn't have cared less if she'd tried. She is perfectly happy in her new room and even went as far as to tell me how much she doesn't like purple anymore (which is the color her old room was). I think this made it harder. In the end, I actually left a small area of purple (which will eventually be themed as a flower box), because I couldn't quite bring myself to paint over every last little bit. Neurotic? Yeah... probably.
Then there was the actual process of re-decorating. I have a love/hate relationship with house renovations. Painting can be stressful, and I stink at getting nails in the right places in the walls... and usually when I find the perfect place there is something that prevents the nail from actually sticking there in this old house... I couldn't even remember where I put Miah's name letters, which I made almost two years ago. I did, however, find them, just as I was about to give up and purchase new ones. The mural was actually quite fun. I like stickers.
As I was getting all of the furniture moved in and arranged, a thought hit me. The crib wasn't going to fit right, and the truth is... Miah doesn't need to sleep in a crib anymore. Choked up again, I determined to tell Phil we could just take the crib down when the room was done. I proceeded to take another week to get the room done.
And let me pause to say this about the crib. This is the first time since 2000 that our crib has not either had a baby in it our been waiting for a little person to arrive to fill it. I looked at Phil as he was taking it apart, and there were tears in his eyes, and of course he said, "don't blink," and I said, "don't get me started," and then of course I cried... again... And of course I'm tearing up even yet again as I type this... You'd almost think I was pregnant, as emotional as I've been... but really... I'm not.
I finally managed to get everything just the way I wanted it today, and with cameras... and video cameras... Miah crossed the threshold into her new room. She mercifully made some sweet little excited sounds, but the whole thing was actually fairly calm. Miah is most excited that all of her baby dolls are accessible at the same time and that there are abundant play food choices for their nutritional well being.
I almost forgot to leave space for the rocking chair... almost, but that was a non-negotiable. As I rocked her to sleep tonight, I thought about how big my baby has gotten. But when I put her in the toddler bed, covered her up, and stepped back to look at her; it hit my how very teeny tiny she really is.
And I thanked God for my precious little one... whom I cannot imagine my life without...
It's been an emotional roller coaster. I feel sort of silly about that, but it's the truth.
What started out as a nursery project became so much more...
First of all, let me say that as badly as I have wanted to create this room for Miah, I had no idea how hard it was going to be for me to paint over the "perfect" little girl room I created for Grace 4 years ago. To be completely honest, Grace couldn't have cared less if she'd tried. She is perfectly happy in her new room and even went as far as to tell me how much she doesn't like purple anymore (which is the color her old room was). I think this made it harder. In the end, I actually left a small area of purple (which will eventually be themed as a flower box), because I couldn't quite bring myself to paint over every last little bit. Neurotic? Yeah... probably.
Then there was the actual process of re-decorating. I have a love/hate relationship with house renovations. Painting can be stressful, and I stink at getting nails in the right places in the walls... and usually when I find the perfect place there is something that prevents the nail from actually sticking there in this old house... I couldn't even remember where I put Miah's name letters, which I made almost two years ago. I did, however, find them, just as I was about to give up and purchase new ones. The mural was actually quite fun. I like stickers.
As I was getting all of the furniture moved in and arranged, a thought hit me. The crib wasn't going to fit right, and the truth is... Miah doesn't need to sleep in a crib anymore. Choked up again, I determined to tell Phil we could just take the crib down when the room was done. I proceeded to take another week to get the room done.
And let me pause to say this about the crib. This is the first time since 2000 that our crib has not either had a baby in it our been waiting for a little person to arrive to fill it. I looked at Phil as he was taking it apart, and there were tears in his eyes, and of course he said, "don't blink," and I said, "don't get me started," and then of course I cried... again... And of course I'm tearing up even yet again as I type this... You'd almost think I was pregnant, as emotional as I've been... but really... I'm not.
I finally managed to get everything just the way I wanted it today, and with cameras... and video cameras... Miah crossed the threshold into her new room. She mercifully made some sweet little excited sounds, but the whole thing was actually fairly calm. Miah is most excited that all of her baby dolls are accessible at the same time and that there are abundant play food choices for their nutritional well being.
I almost forgot to leave space for the rocking chair... almost, but that was a non-negotiable. As I rocked her to sleep tonight, I thought about how big my baby has gotten. But when I put her in the toddler bed, covered her up, and stepped back to look at her; it hit my how very teeny tiny she really is.
And I thanked God for my precious little one... whom I cannot imagine my life without...
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Painting the "Nursery"...
I'm 32 years old, and my fifth child is almost two. Why am I painting a nursery you might ask... (You also might not ask, but that is the question I'm going to answer...)
Many of you probably already know that I struggled with postpartum depression after Miah was born. For those of you who have been reading this blog for a long time, you are probably sick of posts that begin with, "Many of you probably already know... blah... blah... blah..." But it's relevant here...
One very vivid memory I have from the first week or so after bringing Miah home is rocking her and crying about how the crib and rocking chair were in our bedroom and how I had no room in the house that I could decorate as a nursery for her. I know... I know... the really tragic stuff life is made of, right? But I was not in a very stable state of mind.
A lot of people suggested that we should move Miah in with Grace, but I just couldn't kick the thought of a Disney princess shoe... or a beaded bracelet... or a piece of belly button lint falling into the crib and then finding its way to Miah's little mouth. And even if we had created a shared living space for the girls, I doubt that Grace would have wanted a flower garden nursery... with a little picket fence... and owls... Miah stayed with us.
Well... almost two years later (how can that be), we have rearranged the house in such a way that Grace has her new "pre-teen" looking, cooler than anything bedroom, and Miah is finally going to have her own room.
Any logical person would just move Miah's belongings into the very nice room that Grace has vacated. In fact, when we devised this plan, Phil even said, "Well... you won't have to paint in Miah's room since it's already decorated for a girl." Yeah... well... He kinda got a lecture after that one...
I'm not going to cry about it anymore (although I did get a little teary about some other things while painting, today, which I will share in another post, soon, about letting go as your children grow), but I really want to decorate that "perfect" baby girl nursery that I have always wanted. And so I'm going for it. And I really hope Miah loves it until Grace turns 18 and goes to college, because the chances of her convincing me to paint over it... again... any time soon are really slim (please read "non-existent").
Today all I managed to get done was the primer. The room is primed, and so are my arms and one of my legs. Although I showered for a really long time, I cannot get the paint off. I am going to look awesome at church in the morning...
As this project progresses, I will make updates. And I hope the finished product is amazing, because if it's not you're going to have to lie about how much you love the pictures...
L.
Many of you probably already know that I struggled with postpartum depression after Miah was born. For those of you who have been reading this blog for a long time, you are probably sick of posts that begin with, "Many of you probably already know... blah... blah... blah..." But it's relevant here...
One very vivid memory I have from the first week or so after bringing Miah home is rocking her and crying about how the crib and rocking chair were in our bedroom and how I had no room in the house that I could decorate as a nursery for her. I know... I know... the really tragic stuff life is made of, right? But I was not in a very stable state of mind.
A lot of people suggested that we should move Miah in with Grace, but I just couldn't kick the thought of a Disney princess shoe... or a beaded bracelet... or a piece of belly button lint falling into the crib and then finding its way to Miah's little mouth. And even if we had created a shared living space for the girls, I doubt that Grace would have wanted a flower garden nursery... with a little picket fence... and owls... Miah stayed with us.
Well... almost two years later (how can that be), we have rearranged the house in such a way that Grace has her new "pre-teen" looking, cooler than anything bedroom, and Miah is finally going to have her own room.
Any logical person would just move Miah's belongings into the very nice room that Grace has vacated. In fact, when we devised this plan, Phil even said, "Well... you won't have to paint in Miah's room since it's already decorated for a girl." Yeah... well... He kinda got a lecture after that one...
I'm not going to cry about it anymore (although I did get a little teary about some other things while painting, today, which I will share in another post, soon, about letting go as your children grow), but I really want to decorate that "perfect" baby girl nursery that I have always wanted. And so I'm going for it. And I really hope Miah loves it until Grace turns 18 and goes to college, because the chances of her convincing me to paint over it... again... any time soon are really slim (please read "non-existent").
Today all I managed to get done was the primer. The room is primed, and so are my arms and one of my legs. Although I showered for a really long time, I cannot get the paint off. I am going to look awesome at church in the morning...
As this project progresses, I will make updates. And I hope the finished product is amazing, because if it's not you're going to have to lie about how much you love the pictures...
L.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
There Is A Part Of Me...
... that would probably just go on nursing Miah for a long time to come.
However, I have kind of always been of the opinion that when a child is old enough to ask for it, he or she is probably at the age when you should stop.
There's something a little harder about this than I imagined... (everything with Miah is, right?)...
Over the course of 5 children, I have nursed for 73 months (that's 6+ years):
2 Weeks for Seth
14 1/2 Months for Grace
22 Months for Caleb
15 Months for Ian
and now just over 21 Months for Miah
There is something about nursing a baby that just magnifies every maternal instinct I have. Miah is almost undoubtedly our last baby (I have learned to never say never, because you never know what might happen, but we are 99.4% sure of this...) It makes it a little more difficult to give up any "baby thing" with her.
But we have come to the point where she actually says, "Newes" (her word for "nurse", which actually sounds an awful lot like "nurse") and is not ashamed in the least to go right after what she's looking for... even in public... So I think we've pretty much come to the end...
(As a note, Caleb said, "Nigh Nigh" and Ian said, "Nyah Nyah", so nobody but me ever really knew what they were looking for... I don't remember Grace having a word for "nurse")
Should I feel so ridiculously sad about this? And why on earth am I blogging it? Questions I will probably wish I hadn't thrown out there on the World Wide Web, but I really would like to blog every day this year, if possible, and that's just what's on my mind tonight...
L.
However, I have kind of always been of the opinion that when a child is old enough to ask for it, he or she is probably at the age when you should stop.
There's something a little harder about this than I imagined... (everything with Miah is, right?)...
Over the course of 5 children, I have nursed for 73 months (that's 6+ years):
2 Weeks for Seth
14 1/2 Months for Grace
22 Months for Caleb
15 Months for Ian
and now just over 21 Months for Miah
There is something about nursing a baby that just magnifies every maternal instinct I have. Miah is almost undoubtedly our last baby (I have learned to never say never, because you never know what might happen, but we are 99.4% sure of this...) It makes it a little more difficult to give up any "baby thing" with her.
But we have come to the point where she actually says, "Newes" (her word for "nurse", which actually sounds an awful lot like "nurse") and is not ashamed in the least to go right after what she's looking for... even in public... So I think we've pretty much come to the end...
(As a note, Caleb said, "Nigh Nigh" and Ian said, "Nyah Nyah", so nobody but me ever really knew what they were looking for... I don't remember Grace having a word for "nurse")
Should I feel so ridiculously sad about this? And why on earth am I blogging it? Questions I will probably wish I hadn't thrown out there on the World Wide Web, but I really would like to blog every day this year, if possible, and that's just what's on my mind tonight...
L.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Desperately Trying...
... to avoid the end of the semester meltdown!
It happens twice a year...
And so I found myself staring at an unreasonable amount of school work this evening (though not half as unreasonable as Phil's, because mine wouldn't have been unreasonable if I'd applied myself... say... more than two hours before the deadline, but his is unreasonable, because it takes more than a super hero to even imagine getting that much done on time)... but I digress... what's new?
At any rate... I decided to just go ahead and crunch the numbers, and at the end of the day it made more sense to just not do the assignments than to kill myself trying. It is almost definitely going to cost me straight As this semester (which I haven't seen in a long time and was kinda looking forward to), but it's not going to send me careening into a black hole or anything.
I'm getting too tired to keep doing this...
Any suggestions about what I might want to be when I grow up so that I can actually work toward a goal in school and get done someday?
Lisa
It happens twice a year...
And so I found myself staring at an unreasonable amount of school work this evening (though not half as unreasonable as Phil's, because mine wouldn't have been unreasonable if I'd applied myself... say... more than two hours before the deadline, but his is unreasonable, because it takes more than a super hero to even imagine getting that much done on time)... but I digress... what's new?
At any rate... I decided to just go ahead and crunch the numbers, and at the end of the day it made more sense to just not do the assignments than to kill myself trying. It is almost definitely going to cost me straight As this semester (which I haven't seen in a long time and was kinda looking forward to), but it's not going to send me careening into a black hole or anything.
I'm getting too tired to keep doing this...
Any suggestions about what I might want to be when I grow up so that I can actually work toward a goal in school and get done someday?
Lisa
Sunday, June 24, 2007
I have a tendency to "melt down" when the eleventh hour is at hand...
I pretty much completely wasted today. I am not proud of this fact. It's just true...
I am exhausted, but it's more than just the lack of sleep from my amazingly wonderful six month old who loves to eat. I am, instead, weary... I think. Not real sure what to do about it right now, either... But God knows...
Ah... This is the kind of post that is either going to net a bunch of comments I'm not interested in or chirping crickets... can't decide which is worse at the moment...
Lisa
P.S. I made a new post at blogger today, if anyone is interested. Sorry I hadn't updated there in six weeks... L
I pretty much completely wasted today. I am not proud of this fact. It's just true...
I am exhausted, but it's more than just the lack of sleep from my amazingly wonderful six month old who loves to eat. I am, instead, weary... I think. Not real sure what to do about it right now, either... But God knows...
Ah... This is the kind of post that is either going to net a bunch of comments I'm not interested in or chirping crickets... can't decide which is worse at the moment...
LisaP.S. I made a new post at blogger today, if anyone is interested. Sorry I hadn't updated there in six weeks... L
Monday, May 7, 2007
If ever there was a good week...
...to have a nervous breakdown... this would have been it! So... I just finished my last final, and my brain is now officially mush. I have so much to write about, but it is going to have to wait... until next Monday... because I am seriously not going to use my computer again until then!
I have a few things that I need to check on... shop for... finish up, tonight, so if you need to contact me via e-mail, do it between now and 10pm or so. After that, call me. Norman is taking a break (Norman is my computer's name... in case that didn't make sense).
Look for a real post next Monday. I plan to blog like an addict this summer...
Lisa
I have a few things that I need to check on... shop for... finish up, tonight, so if you need to contact me via e-mail, do it between now and 10pm or so. After that, call me. Norman is taking a break (Norman is my computer's name... in case that didn't make sense).
Look for a real post next Monday. I plan to blog like an addict this summer...
Lisa
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