… are seriously deficient right now. I do not think I have quite reached the point
at which I will say or do catastrophically stupid things, but I recognize that I
am dangerously close. Let me give a few
examples…
I came within moments of pulling over the Nazarene
limousine, offering to buy coffee for the guy who has been stationed on the
corner of Main and Broadway wearing a two way “turn or burn” sign (it doesn’t
really say that, but it’s close enough), and then telling him exactly what I think
about his theology and what a travesty it is, especially in this town where we have
poured over five years into the lives of people who are anti-church, for him to
be wearing that sign and making us all look like idiots! Instead, I opted to go purchase lots of
frozen food that I knew would not survive a long coffee shop chat.
That was, in itself, a pretty bad idea, because in a
momentary memory lapse I forgot that I live in a small town and that going to
the grocery store almost always requires me to talk to multiple people who know
me. It’s really hard to stand at the
bakery making small talk while thinking, “I don’t understand why you walked
away from our church”. It also borders
on embarrassing to be hiding out behind the day old bread cart because I
recognize faces but can’t come up with names, or even contexts from which I should
know people, to save my life. The only
redemptive thing about the grocery store was that I did not know the cashier or
bagger (I usually look for people I recognize, but remember, I am avoiding
conversation like the plague right now) and that all they were really
interested in talking about was my opinion on whipped yogurt as opposed to
regular yogurt. Somehow, I managed to
navigate that one alright…
I also almost gave my real opinion on VBS to a whole group
of people with small children. I didn’t,
though… I didn’t…
I don’t do “girl angry at the world” very well anymore. It just seems so “early 20s” as opposed to “mid
30s” (I am 33… does that still count as
early 30s, or do I have to claim mid 30s at this point?) But I am
angry. I am currently coping by hiding
out at my house, hoping people don’t call, and listening to loud, angsty music
from the late 1990s… and apparently by posting things to my blog that I should
probably just leave unsaid…
You know what, though?
The more I think about it, I realize that I am less angry and more tired…
exhausted… completely spent. And I
absolutely hate it when people waste my time.
I mean, we are talking #1 pet peeve (or if not, pretty close to
it). Each of us only gets so much
time. I’d like to use mine for things
that ultimately matter… or at the very least for things I enjoy…
So if you should happen to find me with my mouth shut,
please just smile and wave. It’s better
that way. I’m busy putting myself back
together again, and I am a really lousy multi-tasker. I can’t pick up the pieces and filter everything
I really want to say at the same
time.
L.
