This Book Is Draining Me…

I really didn’t expect to feel this way…

I mean, as I published certain chapters I knew there would be tears threatening to fall, and along those same lines, there were others that made me laugh out loud…

But I’m down to the last 12 chapters now, and I hate the ending…

Of course, I know it isn’t really the ending, but reading through these pages is causing me to feel a sense of urgency in writing the sequel.

I think everybody is going to hate how this book ends.

Blah…

Lisa

And So I Find Myself…

And I’m not where I’m supposed to be…

Again…

And it’s kind of getting old…

The other night I made a post on facebook about how I need to implement changes in my life. I insinuated that the changes were going to be slow and painful. It peaked the interest of at least a few friends, and although no one else said it quite this way, the question that’s been bouncing around in my head lately is, “What’s wrong with me that I need to make changes?” The answer is…

Everything.

I am not being too hard on myself. I am just taking inventory of my life, and before I can get into specific, grueling detail; I have to come to the realization that the very general level issue I am facing is that absolutely everything is wrong in my life! There… now that I know what the problem is, maybe I can fix it…

But not today…

No, this is something that took a long time to get into, and it’s going to take a long time to get out, too. I’m not talking like 12 step program long. I’m talking more like 150 step program long. But I’m going to do it…

Sort of…

Really, I don’t have the power to do anything… at all. But I’m going to go ahead and take God up on His offer to get it all worked out, because quite frankly, that’s the only way it’s ever going to get worked out. Yes… I know… very spiritual.

And so… as is generally the case with everything in life… God is step 1.

I am embarrassed to admit that I’m not even sure how long it’s been since I had regular, consistent quiet time with God. Please don’t misconstrue this to read that I have not had time with God. Really, that’s the dumbest thing anyone can say, because God is everywhere. If I’m anywhere, I’m with God. And generally speaking, I am usually somewhere. But the everyday, living and breathing His presence… being aware that I am somewhere with God… has been neglected as of late.

With this in mind; I returned, this week, to an old book, “My Utmost for His Highest,” written by Oswald Chambers. It was no surprise to me, really, that the first two readings hit me exactly where I am…

The challenge now, though, is to maintain this time without letting it become ritualistic or routine… for more than 3 or 4 days in a row…

And it’s a little scary to me how completely draining this is. Seriously? This is a change that affects maybe 10-15 minutes of my life every day, and it feels so gigantic that I can’t even begin to speculate about when I will be ready to move on to step 2.

In my defense, there are a lot of factors that are playing into the equation of why I am so worn down to begin with, but really… I don’t think I need a defense. That’s just the hugely human part of me that hates admitting what a mess I’ve become.

So let’s focus on what’s positive. Assuming I can keep carving out 10 minutes a day to meet with God, now only 23 hours and 50 minutes of every day of my existence are messed up. That means I’ve got 0.7% of my life straightened out. And not everything is wrong with it anymore. For today, I’ll take that.

Lisa

Romans 8:28:

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” (NIV)

Totally Burned Out...

... And so ends another semester.

My grades are going to show it this time around. For a long time now, I have been able to "squeak by", bringing in pretty good final grades, even in the midst of complete chaos, but that will not be the case this term...

You know... I'm really tired of not even being able to sit down and compose an e-mail without starting off by apologizing profusely for being so late to respond, because my life is so busy or ending with a rushed explanation about what I have to run to do next.

Something has to give...

I am completely and totally burned out, and the things I'm doing that keep me so busy are not the things I want to remember as the way life was in this stage...

I want to finish playing Super Mario Brothers with Seth so we can move on to Super Mario Brothers Two...

I want to schedule "girl time" with Grace again, so she'll learn how to paint her nails and use her spirograph...

I want to spend hours building outrageous duplo train layouts with Caleb before he's too big for "baby" toys...

I want to cuddle with Ian and read him book... after book... after book...

I want to go out with my husband...

I want to read my Bible...

And as I sit here with tears streaming down my face... and as I think about all the stupid things I've done in the last few weeks... and as I am distracted, wondering when the last time I fed the fish was... Well, like I said before, something has to give...

And it's not going to be what's important anymore...

Lisa