I'm Learning Some Things About Myself...

In some ways, I hate that.  I feel like I should know myself pretty well at this stage in the game.  But, whatever.  If you have followed my FB posts or even these blog posts over the past few months, you have probably noticed that there have been a lot of violent ups and downs.  If you've been privileged (and I use that word tongue in cheek) enough to also have more personal interactions with me, you might even be worried.  Don't be.  Really.  I mean, sometimes I'm actually not OK, but I will be.  I channel my emotions into writing.  For the most part, as soon as it's written I can move on.  But I do have to write it.  Whatever it is.  Much of the time I also need an audience lately, but not always.  If you saw the things I write and don't share, you'd really be worried.  Here's what I'm learning, today...     

1.  I am never happy unless I am helping someone.  This seems like it should fall under the category of "positive qualities to possess".  Sometimes it does.  Actually, much of the time it does.  But let's go back to the word, "never".  It would appear that I need people in my life who are in perpetual crisis in order to be happy, in order to feel as if I am doing something useful and redemptive in the world.  On days where everyone I know is feeling fine, I'm in trouble!  And I shouldn't be.  I should really like those days, because I love those people!      

2.  People are afraid to call me on the carpet.  I have been living a particular story over the past few months that has leaked its way out in bits and pieces to trusted friends and mentors, over time.  I honestly can't remember who knows which pieces of the story, exactly, but I'm pretty sure no one knows it all.  It's an ugly story, and, no, I'm not going to share it here where anyone in the world could potentially read it.  Apparently, though, I scare people.  I mean, if someone else shared this story, about themselves, with me, I would kick their butt.  Maybe this is why I scare people.  I'm not as tough as you think (and that's hard to write).  I need people in my life who are willing to kick my butt (but only when I deserve it, please).

3.  I broke the mold, and I don't care.  But it still hurts when people are mean.  Which, I guess, means I do care... at least, sort of.  'Nough said...

This is kind of random.  I need to go help somebody now.

L.

Tempting...

Last week, my two oldest children ran into a problem that is fairly common.  They felt as if no one was listening to them.  Wow.  Have I ever been there, myself.  Being young teenagers, they probably didn't handle this is as well as, say, adults might.  Actually, I'm not sure they even handled it as well as they ordinarily might.  There has been a lot of stress and pressure lately, and let's face it, anybody can have a bad day.

But here's the thing.  I tend to think it's pretty important to listen to my kids, so when they came to me, in tears, I did.  The topic was temptation.  They weren't satisfied with the conclusion that the devil is at fault.  Hear me loud and clear here, Satan sucks!  Evil is real.  James 4:7 has been running through my mind ever since this conversation got started, "Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you" (NIV).  I think it's incredibly stupid to give sin a foothold of any kind in our lives.  But therein lies the key.  We have to take responsibility.  

It took me almost four days of pouring over his words to figure out what it was that my fourteen year old son was trying to say.  And believe me, I get it.  I completely understand that no one outside of my immediate family loves him enough to think about his words for this amount of time, and that's OK.  But he was right.

In regard to Jesus' temptation in the wilderness, he said, "These were things that Jesus wanted".  I might even take this a step further and say that some of these things were things that Jesus needed.  Bread after a forty day fast?  Yes, please!

But Seth's solution is simple, too simple because it's not what anyone wants to hear.  Stop wanting what you shouldn't have.  Ouch!  Been there, too...

I will never apologize for his passion.  The fact that Seth sat there in a classroom full of girls who are often very insecure about themselves, and made the bold statement that they don't need to be, makes him about the most endearing fourteen year old kid I can imagine.  He never, ever would have put it this way, but it's almost as if he was up in their faces telling them, "Hey!  You're good enough!  Not only should you stop allowing the devil to have a foothold in your life that tempts you to be something you're not.  You should stop wanting that.  Someone will love you for who you are.  Just be who you are."  And he means it.  He lives it.  He is so comfortable in his own skin.  

Grace's solution is a little more difficult, and maybe a little more human.  Know Scripture.  It will never cease to amaze me how offensive this often is to people who claim to love Jesus.  We need to know what Scripture says.  We need to understand what it means.  And we need to live as if we care.  Jesus refutes  every one of the devil's temptations with Scripture.  Let's not lose sight of the very real struggle that is happening here.  Jesus is hungry!  Jesus is being forced to question his identity and whether or not he is really the Messiah and whether or not his Father really loves him.  Everything he wants is on the table, there for the taking.  But Jesus stops and says, "Wait.  Something about this isn't quite right.  Let me return to what I know is true".

Just think about that for a little bit...

L.

Cynicism Comes All Too Easily...

... at least to me.

A little over a month ago, I wrote a post titled, "This Might Be the Most Important Post I Have Ever Written".  That was probably not the brightest idea I ever had for a title.  I wrote about some of my struggles from the previous month, and then I entered into a new one.  The past month has been overwhelming, again, and I am relatively sure there are a few things I could share that would be of much greater importance than my thoughts from my earlier post, many of which are a direct result of the things that I discussed (or did not discuss, as the case may be) related to the post, itself.

I remember being almost obsessed with the concept of the "dark night of the soul" in my early 20s.  I am sure it never occurred to me that a person could experience a dark month... or two... or longer...  But it's been really dark here.

I was going to write that there have been external circumstances that have contributed to this, but then it occurred to me that the very idea is, at least most likely, very wrong.  There have been external circumstances, no doubt, but the more I consider it, the more I think they are actually symptoms of a much worse internal conflict.  I have, quite literally, made myself sick.  I cannot remember the last time I had a good night's sleep.  My stress level is just skyrocketing, and I'm putting this pressure on myself.  No one else is at fault.  I am the problem.  And I hate that.  And I need a stronger word than hate, because that just didn't cut it.

I have never been any good at lying.  I am a prophet.  Not the kind of prophet who foresees the future (at least not consistently, but that's another thought for another day... or never...) but the kind of prophet who tells the truth.  Multiple stories with great entertainment value have been written about characters who are "cursed" with the inability to lie.  I have to imagine those stories are so much funnier if they're not your own.  But I've learned to live with it - this painful desire to tell everyone about everything that is wrong with the world, cynicism, and this painful desire to tell everyone about everything that is right with the world, which is sometimes worse.  I've learned to live with it by mostly being silent.  "Live" might be too strong a word here.

In order to protect myself, I have also learned some moderately valuable tricks such as tact, sarcasm, and nuance.  I'm much better at sarcasm and nuance than tact, but I can pull even that one out of the bag if I have to, most of the time.  Problem is, I'm exhausted - physically and mentally and emotionally and spiritually exhausted.  I can just feel it coming.  If I'm not very careful, words are going to start spewing out of my mouth (and, very likely, my fingertips) that I can never get back.  And then what?

I am working really hard, right now, to find the proper way to move forward by speaking the truth in love.  I was going to say, "see Ephesians 4:15," but you know what, just see Ephesians 4.  All of it.  I was reminded the other day that, "There can be no way forward but through prayer".  This is truth.  I can speak this.  And I can do this.

And so, even in this meandering post, God has been working.  God is working.  I don't want anyone to misunderstand.  The time for eternal silence and censorship has ended.  I'm not afraid to speak the truth.  But I need to make sure I am centered precisely on the truth that God would have me to speak "for such a time as this".  See Esther 4:14.  Or, you know, just the whole book.

Pray for me.  I am praying.

L.

This Might Be the Most Important Post I Have Ever Written...

The past month has taken me places I thought I would never go.  And I mean never.

I'm not even going to try to make excuses for it.  It was just me.  Pretty much being an idiot.  But I would like to explain, apologize, maybe share something I've learned.  

I have struggled, deeply, with... everything.  And in the midst of this struggle I did some research that led me to the following quote, which has been haunting me since I first read it:

"A cloud of missed possibilities envelops every beginning: it is always this beginning, this universe, and not some other. Decision lacks innocence. Around its narrations gather histories of grievance: what possibilities were excluded?" (Keller, 2003, 160).  

I know, I know, who cites stuff on a personal blog?  Bear with me...

There is a part of me that wishes this book was never suggested.  Heck, there is a part of me that wishes this quote was never penned.  Sometimes I think it was easier when I didn't know as much.  I've been quoting Ecclesiastes 1:18 for a long time now, "For with much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief" (NIV).  It is still true.  The more I know, the truer it gets.  Even though I love learning, sometimes I just want to stop.  I can see myself with my hands over my ears, but I can never quite say, "Enough is enough!"  I don't really know if I should share this.  Maybe your life would be better if you didn't know it.  Quite seriously, if you think that might possibly be the case, don't read on.  It's OK.  I don't need you to know this.

But, here's the thing.  We all make choices.  I grew up thinking that there was always one right choice, one good choice, one best choice, just one.  I think I was wrong.  In fact, looking back on it I think there are a lot of good choices I could have made, that I didn't, even when the choices I did make were good ones.  This is much more painful than looking at the good choices in my life and thinking, "Well, I dodged a bullet there... and there... and there..."  If there are multiple good choices, that means we miss out on something good, even when we choose the very best thing we're capable of choosing in the moment.  Histories of grievance are not easy to deal with.

I would like to suggest that you don't even try.  It might cause your heart to break over excluded possibilities, and believe me, you don't want to go there.  Not really.      
   
For days... and days... and days...  in a corporate worship experience, I have been directed back to Psalm 51:17, "My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise" (NIV).  I don't really like being broken as much as I used to.  But it's OK.

I want to fix this.  In fact, I had a really amazing time with God last night, driving home in the dark with a couple of sleeping kids, just listening.  I need to embrace my life, and it's not even that hard to do, because my life really is amazing.  As a variation on a common phrase in the business world, whatever you're doing is perfectly designed for the results you're getting.  I have made good choices.  If the six other people who live at my house are any indication, the results are near perfect.  

But I have to be honest.  I don't have it all together.  Humility is hard, and I think I'm headed for a season of healing that is going to take more time than I want it to.  I'm committed to however long it takes.  You could definitely pray for me.

L. 

Works Cited:

Holy Bible. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2011. Print.

Keller, Catherine. Face of the Deep: A Theology of Becoming. London: Routledge, 2003. Print.

I Feel Conflicted…

The news of Osama Bin Laden’s death is good news regarding the war on terror. It is a testament to the bravery of our troops and the willingness of our people to fight to preserve our freedom and that of our brothers and sisters around the world. There is no doubt that when we make evil choices, there are consequences; and after a lifetime of choosing evil, Bin Laden has paid with his life. There is justice for the thousands upon thousands of lives lost at the hands of Osama Bin Laden, not only in the attacks of 9/11, but throughout his lifelong history of terror.

But I can’t help but feel just a little bit sick to my stomach about this, either, for a variety of reasons. The first is very simple. Across the country and across the world, this morning, there are thousands… hundreds of thousands… maybe millions who believe the war on terror is now over. It is not. It would be unwise to throw caution to the wind now, embracing the thought process that Bin Laden was the only threat to our peace and freedom. Organizations like al qaeda are not run by one man. Even if Bin Laden had been captured or killed within moments of the 9/11 attacks, terrorist organizations would still exist. The fact that he had almost a decade to continue to strengthen al queda… to continue to train others to fight like he fought… this does not bode well, and we must not now let down our guard.

The second reason I feel conflicted, today, will meet with more controversy than the first, I’m sure. As I was pondering this news last night, the thought that crossed my mind was, “Jesus died for Osama Bin Laden, too”. Nobody wants to hear that. The truth is; I didn’t really want to think it. But it is so. If it is true that Jesus took all of our sin upon himself at his death, then Jesus also took Bin Laden’s sin. He also felt the great darkness of what would befall the American people on 9/11. And Jesus’ hope was that Bin Laden would turn from this. Jesus always wants people to turn from their sin and to follow Him. Osama Bin Laden wasn’t the exception.

And so I think that God must be sad. I think that God must be sad, because Osama Bin Laden wasted the life he was given. And I think that God must be sad that Osama Bin Laden died in his sins. With that in mind, I think that we must be sad, as well.

Now, I am not a pacifist by any stretch of the imagination. I believe there is a time for war, and I believe that the armed forces of our nation have acted courageously and heroically. There are clear instances in Scripture when God actually delivers the enemy into the hands of people who seek Him, and I am thankful that Bin Laden is no longer a threat. I support our troops 100%, and I am proud to be an American.

Still… as we reflect today, let us remember that each of us has a decision to make. God has a plan for our lives, so instead of rejoicing in the death of another human being, let us look toward what we can do to refrain from wasting the days we have been given and to be transformed into the people we were created to be.

Lisa