The Past Two+ Weeks...

...have been a whirlwind of travel.

On Saturday, February 7th, Phil and I left for the M15 conference in Kansas City.  We returned home on the 13th.  On the 14th, Caleb and I went to the EMD February District Quiz.  The 15th, Phil's birthday, we spent together as a family.  The 16th I dropped Grace and Caleb off for their guitar lesson and then picked them up and dropped them off at home, where my teenagers babysat my little people while Phil and I went to a funeral.  The 17th, Phil, Seth, Grace, Caleb, and I took a trip to Indiana for piano lessons and Junior Festival practice.  We returned home on the 18th in time to pick up Ian and Miah and drop all of the kids off at home, while Phil and I went to lead our young adults small group.  On Thursday, February 19th, I stayed in my pajamas all day long and watched movies with Miah and Ian.  Then on the 20th, we dropped them off again, and Phil, Seth, Grace, Caleb, and I (along with our friend Rachel) left for the Sterling Invitational Quiz.  We picked Ian and Miah up, today, Sunday, February 22nd.

In case you don't want to do the math, this means that my youngest two children have spent at least part of 12 of the past 16 days with their grandparents.  Honestly, when I dropped them off this last time I said, "We brought your kids back.  Thanks for letting us have them for a few days."  On two of the other days, I also had to leave them for part or most of the day.  This is not how I do "Mommy".  And the truth is, I've been feeling kind of sorry for myself...

I was going to say that the word for my life for the past two + weeks has been "distracted".  But when I stopped to think about it deeply, that's not quite right.  The word for my life is still, "blessed".  I have certainly been blessed with a lot of friends and family members who have made these days possible.  

I really mean that, but I have been distracted, and I do need to find a better rhythm of life again.  Not that I've ever "arrived", but I had better rhythms than this... in what seems life another lifetime...

I'm not sure what's going to happen next.  No one ever is, really.  What I do know is that something is happening.  May it be what God wants.  May I join God in that work.  Can we ever ask for anything more?

Well... maybe just one more thing...  If you're one of those friends who is dropping your kids off at guitar at the same time as mine tomorrow, if you could just avoid looking through my window and noticing my sweatpants and baseball cap, that would be fabulous...

L. 

I Have Been...

... far too extrinsically motivated lately.

Seriously, I don't even know myself anymore when I am starting to think I could possibly be exhibiting signs of extroversion...

And I'm even posting about it on a public blog...

Which must mean I need attention...

Awkward...

L.

Revisiting "Journey", Chapter 32, "One of the Reasons Why My Third Child is So Special"...

Note:  This is an old post from a long time ago...  So, nobody should panic when they read the first line!

*****

It's really amazing what one little pink line on a stick can do.  Although I knew it wasn't likely that I was pregnant, I was late.  And I'm never that late unless I'm pregnant.  I remember taking a home pregnancy test the day after Seth's third birthday.  And let me mention, here, that home pregnancy tests are terrible! 

            If you have never taken one, this is the basic process:  You pee on a stick, and then you set a timer for the exact number of minutes that it is supposed to take to get a result.  This is usually two to three minutes.  Then you leave the bathroom and close the door, because you've promised yourself that you are not going to "peek" until the timer goes off.  About ninety seconds later, you open the bathroom door, because you've decided that maybe you should just peek a little.  Then you close the door behind you, because you are embarrassed; like you're going to get caught doing something wrong.  You proceed to watch the little stick for the next minute and a half.  And then the timer goes off, startling you.  If the result is positive, you keep watching the stick for another five minutes, just to make sure it doesn't disappear.  When it doesn't disappear, you wonder if you should take another test, just to be sure.  I don't know if this is the process that everyone goes through, but that's how it works for me.

            In this case, the result was positive, so I'll spare you the details regarding what you do with a negative result.  I say that the result was positive, but it was a very light pink line.  I showed it to Phil, and he wasn't sure he could see it.  But I knew it was there.

            A few days later, I started spotting, and suddenly I wondered if I'd imagined the pink line, after all.  I quickly made a doctor appointment.  There I was assured that I was, indeed, pregnant, and that everything looked fine, so I should go home, stop worrying, and start taking prenatal vitamins.

            And my whole outlook on life changed.

            The suicidal thoughts completely disappeared.  I had wanted a baby.  I had prayed for a baby.  And there was no way I would even consider taking my life at that point, because another little person was relying on me.  I had to keep living and breathing so that this baby could live, too.  The thought process of a recently suicidal, very hormonal, pregnant woman is probably a little bit messed up, but this new little person became my reason to wake up in the morning for the next few months.  And eventually, it wasn't just about surviving long enough to give birth.  I began to get really excited about sharing life with this baby.  And I began to get very excited about sharing life with the rest of my family.  And I began to get very excited about just living life.  The sense of hope that had once abandoned me had returned.