I don’t do anything halfway, but sometimes it doesn’t
matter. Sometimes, even when you put
everything you can and everything you are
into something, it still doesn’t work out.
But friends, I really stink at rejection.
I saw a quote the other day that went like this:
“The woman who does not require
validation from anyone is the most feared individual on the planet.” -Mohadesa
Najumi
Of
course, I loved it immediately; because that’s the kind of person I want to
be. Heck, sometimes I even embody this. But I knew I couldn’t claim to be this
person, today, because within moments of reading the rejection letter that
crossed the screen in front of my eyes, I was looking at another message, from
one of my dearest friends, which read, “I
love you. You’re enough.”
And
let’s be real, if your closest friends respond like that, it’s because they
know how very, very badly you need the validation.
So,
quite honestly, I’m sitting here tonight weighing the risks of
vulnerability. There is a deep part of
me that knows I would benefit from a crushing hug and as many words of
affirmation as the people who know me best could offer. Seriously, hundreds of thousands of words
would be helpful. But I am also
terrified that any degree of human contact might cause me to shatter into so
many pieces I will never be able to pick them all up again. And it absolutely comes from feeling as if I
am not enough. Because today, I wasn’t.
It’s
only been a few days since I blogged and assured the Internet world that I was
going to be OK, one way… or another… or another… And I am.
But I suddenly can’t remember what ‘Plan B’ was. I think I need permission to fall apart for
just a little while.
I
put an awful lot of myself into ‘staying a course’ that no longer exists. The road has shifted underneath my feet, and
I need a minute to forge a new path.
Just a minute…
L.
