Let's Be Real...

... Last week was terrible.

It has taken me several days to gather my thoughts on this. I'm still not sure they are completely coherent. But this is the thing... When I started blogging, it was for me. I love to write, and sometimes it's the best coping mechanism I have. So here we go... like it or not...

I've been thinking a lot about who I am. During this thought process, it occurred to me that somewhere... somehow... at some time... I left the driveling, watery-eyed little girl who used to burst into tears over nothing... and something... and everything in-between... behind. I hadn't seen her in a really long time. And I didn't miss her.

I like to think I'm pretty tough. And honestly... I kind of am.

Somewhere along the road, though, I think my potential for hope dwindled a bit, as well. I don't shoot as high as I used to, so it only stands to reason that there are less disappointments. Maybe that's the real reason there are less tears. Maybe I'm not as strong as I've imagined...

Because, you see, there was something I really wanted last week. And I didn't get it. And my goodness, if the floodgates didn't collapse...

I'd like to think I've come to a place in life where I'm simply going to be OK with whatever happens. I honestly do trust God in ways that I never would have imagined a decade ago. I have changed, and it is good. I have never been an advocate for a prosperity gospel. I know what it is to take up my cross, and I'm really not in the business of saving my life. Losing it is just fine. I love Psalm 37:4, because I do delight in the Lord, and I have worked hard to align my desires with His. And I prayed for this thing for months...

Ministry is really hard sometimes. I don't think that's the kind of thing a pastor's wife is supposed to write. Maybe I'm a lousy pastor's wife. Sometimes I wish a church would look upon my family and ask, "How badly do they need us?" instead of the other way around... But don't misunderstand. I know that's never really going to happen. And at some point, I'm going to have to suck it up... resign myself to the knowledge that this just wasn't what God wanted... and breathe in... and breathe out... and what? I honestly don't know...

I'm going to have to stop feeling so wounded. I absolutely cannot sit through another worship service, in tears, like I did on Easter Sunday, because although compassion is alright; I do not do pity well. And, besides... Anyone who cries all day long on Easter has got to be more than a little selfish, right? I can't be that... I can't afford to be that...

And I can't afford any elephants in the room, either. Let's just get that right out in the open... I have absolutely no emotional energy to invest in elephants. I'll take realism any day of the week... especially on Saturdays...

And so maybe someday we will land at a place my children love. And I know that's what's really killing me in all of this. But thankfully they don't have a clue. I'm still smarter than that.

And maybe we won't. And we'll spend the rest of our lives in a God-forsaken place that He sends us to, so we can show His love and it won't be so forsaken anymore...

And maybe I've been sitting in that place for 4 1/2 years...

And maybe I'm just going to keep sitting here...

This is such an ugly post.

I've got to come up with a better way to end it, right?

So, how about a song? I've been holding on to this one for the past few days...

You Are for Me

By: Kari Jobe

So faithful. So constant.
So loving and so true.
So powerful in all You do.

You fill me. You see me.
You know my every move
and You love for me to sing to You.

I know that You are for me.
I know that You are for me.
I know that You will never,
forsake me in my weakness

I know that You have come now,
even if to write upon my heart.
To remind me who You are.

So patient, So gracious,
So merciful and true…
So wonderful in all You do.
You know me. You see me.
You know my every move.
You love for me to sing to You

Lord, I know that You are for me.
I know that You are for me.
I know that You will never,
forsake me in my weakness.
I know that You have come now,
even if to write upon my heart.

To remind me that
I know that You are for me.
I know that You are for me.
I know that You will never,
forsake me in my weakness.
I know that You have come now,
even if to write upon my heart.
To remind me who You are.

To remind me...

I know that You are for me.
I know that You are for me.
I know that You will never,
forsake me in my weakness.
I know that You have come now,
even if to write upon my heart.
To remind me who You are.

Lisa