Multitasking At Its Best...

This has been the strangest day.  Somewhere in the midst of applying for yet another job, preparing for HallowedWorship next week, trying to figure out the logistics of Upward basketball and cheerleading for my kids this year, checking on my book sales, baking chocolate chunk cookies, submitting school work, working out details for the quiz program in West Jamaica, and working through calendar issues, it occurred to me that I have a lot on my plate.

I'm not complaining.  The truth is, I don't do that well if I don't have a lot on my plate.  And I'm really excited about most of what I'm looking at right now.  In recent weeks I have been trying to get rid of all the stuff that doesn't really matter.  I think I'm doing relatively well with that, although I have still spent far too many hours at this desk today.  It's slow progress, but that's much better than no progress at all.

I'm going to go serve those cookies now, and I might even read a book or two to Miah and Ian before the evening hits me at full force.

Enjoy life.  Walk in the light you have.  Trust that things will turn out right.  Rinse.  Repeat.

L.         

Eleven Pages...

I keep re-staring this post.  I opened up a word document this afternoon, and much of what is written there are words I will never post here.  How ironic that many of them are words I'd hoped to post.  But some things are best left unsaid...

I was going to say the past months have been a roller coaster ride.  But coming from a coaster enthusiast, that seemed terribly inadequate.  Roller coasters are fun.  This has not been much fun.

I want to be clear here that we have not been going through anything tragic like disease... or physical injury... or death.  I have several friends who are dealing with the really big stuff, right now, and it makes me a little hesitant to post about my own struggles, because I know they are of a completely different caliber and incomparable.  But it occurred to me, the other day, that I have been working through the same stages of grief that a person might experience in a more serious situation. 

Denial... Anger...  Bargaining... Depression... Acceptance...

As I started to ponder this, it almost made things worse.  Truthfully, I think I did a blitz through all five stages in about fifteen minutes one day a few weeks ago.  Something about that cannot possibly be healthy...

Last week I found myself at "Ministers and Mates" retreat... and let me just say that I think the name is ingenious, because it necessitated serving "M & Ms" on a regular basis, and, realistically, anyone who will provide me with "M & Ms" is pretty close to "friend for life" status in my book...  but I digress...

I can't get into all the details, but shortly after dinner there was a moment that threatened to set off every fragile emotion I have, and the only thing I could think was, "I am hanging by a thread".  I was not "hanging by a thread" several months ago.  Even in the midst of a crazy life with unbelievable twists and turns of events, I was really doing alright.  I was more than alright!  I was excited about where I honestly believed God was leading!  Things were good.  And I find myself really frustrated with myself, because apparently if you throw a couple of unexpected things at me I am still really capable of falling apart... I have done this recently on multiple occasions...  in public...  I hate that!

Even as I sit here tonight, I'm trying to decide if I'm still struggling or if acceptance is finally washing over me.  I know that I'm at a place where I must choose acceptance, because there's closure.  There's no going back (unless I really want to go all the way back to denial... and I don't).  The possibilities no longer exist.  The doors are shut.

But not every door is shut.  We're still here.  And so a thought has been formulating... percolating... working its way into the deepest part of my being over the past few days.  If the doors keep closing, maybe it's because we're supposed to be here?  Maybe it's because we're supposed to be doing what we're doing?  Maybe?  How novel...

L.

P.S.  One more note about retreat.  Awkward social situations where I know next to no one don't rank up there in my top 10.  As an introvert, I would almost rather die than have lunch with people I don't know.  However, my "lunch bunch" actually turned out to be a highlight of the week for me, and just in case any of you are reading this, I was wrong about the chocolate...  It is only good if you happen to have a supply of sulfuric acid.  Then you can mix it together to create a gummy substance that can fix stuff (thanks a lot, MacGyver).  I am still planning to take the compass and the extra clothes and walk the 20 miles in the snow if we are ever stranded together in Northern Canada after a plane crash...

P.P.S.  I hate clichés.  The first person to suggest that God is opening a window should consider the way I broke in to my dorm room at Olivet during Celebrate Life that one year.  It didn't end well.  I try to avoid climbing through windows now.  

I Will Choose To Be Thankful...

Life doesn't always pan out the way I plan it.  Alright...  Let's be real.  Life almost never pans out the way I plan it.  It's OK.

And so I find myself, on this beautiful first day of October, breathing in... and breathing out... and wondering which direction to take from here. 

I cannot begin to promise that the tears have all been shed.  I think, maybe, they have been.  But I know I am still processing things, and that might take hours or years.  Sometimes it comes to me in bits and pieces.

However, I woke up, this morning, thinking about my blessings.  It was a good way to wake up.

And so, I am thankful.

I am thankful for God... God who has never failed us... God who will not break character and begin failing today... or tomorrow... or ever...  I am thankful for who God is.

I am thankful for Phil... Phil who understands my heart, even when there are no words... We've lived a lot of life together... Words are overrated...

I am thankful for Seth... Seth who is becoming who I always hoped he'd be, right in front of my eyes...

I am thankful for Grace... Grace who is so full of worship today I can almost taste it...

I am thankful for Caleb... Caleb who senses everything and loves unconditionally anyway...

I am thankful for Ian... Ian who knows what it is to be a true nonconformist and will likely change the world someday...

I am thankful for Miah... Miah who completes us and requires energy levels that I no longer thought I possessed, keeping me young...

I am thankful for family members and friends who will read this post and have the grace to pray and not to ask more questions than I can answer... and who might even like my link on Facebook...

I am thankful for ministry opportunities, and especially for Brandy, Lacee, Bri, Nathan, and Stephen who remind me, constantly, how life changes... and shifts... and grows and how things that seem like the end of the world often aren't...

I am thankful for NNU's spiritual formation program which has provided me with new friends and a safe place to share even the things I can't begin to post here...

I am thankful for Nancy, my spiritual director, who has already made a huge impact on my life and continues to do so in humility...

I am thankful for the small circle of ladies who have shown up sort of unexpectedly and worked their way into my life, even when I wasn't looking for them... For Kelly, Suzanne, and Brandi, who pray for us and never respond to my messages with anything but grace and love, even when I'm sure what I share is raw...

I am thankful for our house.  I love this house, even though it doesn't have enough bedrooms.  I am also thankful, however, for the reminder that it is just wood... and drywall... and paint... and carpet that really needs to be replaced...

I am thankful for cupboards and a refrigerator full of food...

I am thankful for my camera... and my other camera... and my other camera... and my other camera that I let Phil use...

I am thankful that my children have had every opportunity possible, even when it seemed impossible...

I am thankful for wonderful memories, and especially for vacation memories, because I love vacationing...

I am thankful for the ability to wake up and accept substitute teaching jobs that make me crazy and for the excellent phone interview I had, just now, in the midst of writing this...

And now, perhaps, I am getting random.

Here's the point, though.  I am really blessed.  I have far too many blessings sitting right in front of my face to spend any amount of time worrying about what I don't have.

God provides.  Always has.  Always will.

L.