Life Happens...

I've been trying to work through my thoughts on some things for about a month now.  I feel like I need to be very clear, with this post, that just because I am having a rough time with some things does not mean that I do not recognize that I am surely, exactly where I'm supposed to be.  And I am blessed.  Really, really blessed.  So I don't want anyone to read into this post anything that isn't actually there.  I'm telling it like it is...

Let's backtrack to last month.  I took a pretty big hit.  I've only talked about it with a couple of people, because the truth is I spent about two weeks spontaneously bursting into tears, and... well... you all know how much I love to cry in public, so it was much easier to just stuff it.  There is something I have wanted to do since I was about 15 years old.  It's the kind of something that you tell people about when you're 15, and you say, "When I grow up, I want to be (fill in the blank)," and they look at you like you're a little off, shake their heads, and say, "That's never going to happen, but keep dreaming..."  Well, last month I was one of three "finalists" for just what I wanted... and that's as far as I got... 

Sometimes I feel like I'm still paying for decisions I made 16 years ago, but the lesson I cannot learn from that is, "don't make decisions!"  And so, as I so often do, I decided that instead of continuing to burst into tears for the next two weeks, I would breathe in... and breathe out... and keep moving...  I watched "Tangled", chanted, "I need a new dream," about a hundred thousand times... and I was just about OK.

In the ensuing weeks, the rug was pulled out from under us, not once, but twice more, regarding things we have dreamed of for years.  It's been this ugly process of just barely getting a handle on the emotions that go along with these kinds of disappointments and then blinking, only to find something else staring me in the face.  And I'm really, really tired of fighting.

So, the following quotation hit me like a ton of bricks the other day, 

"You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream." - C. S. Lewis

I don't think I can recall a time in my adult life when I have not had at least some sort of idea regarding what I wanted.  Today, I have no idea, and I'm not good with that.  Maybe I should be, but I'm not.  It's not that I don't have the general principle right.  I want what God wants.  I just don't know what that looks like in my everyday life anymore.  

These songs are helping, but you could pray for me, too.  It's been a rough one...

L.

Broken Bread

By: Rend Collective Experiment

May I be broken bread, may I be poured out wine
May I incarnate, Your kindness Lord
Spend my life Jesus, anyway You please
Whether on great things, or what seems small

Your will done your way
Your will done your way
Your will done your way

I will not fight You
Take me past the line that my heart draws
I will not fight You
Take me beyond the laziness of my thoughts
I will not fight
Lead me further than I've gone before
I will not fight You
I'm abandoned to Your call

Your will done your way

Do not let there be, any part of me
That’s untouchable, unreachable
Let my delight be, living out Your dreams
Washing dirty feet, and kissing yours

Your will done your way
Your will done your way
Your will done your way

I will not fight You
Take me past the line that my heart draws
I will not fight You
Take me beyond the laziness of my thoughts
I will not fight
Lead me further than I've gone before
I will not fight You
I'm abandoned to Your call

Call

God let Your dreams come true, dream through us
God let Your dreams come true through us

God let Your dreams come true, dream through us
God let Your dreams come true through us

Dream through us

And...

Everything is Yours

Audrey Assad

When all the world is blossoming
When everything around is bursting into life
And I don't have to strain to hear the beat of Your heart
Oh, Oh, Oh

When all the world is under fire
and the skies are threatening to thunder and rain
And I am overcome by fears that I can't see
Oh, Oh, Oh

If everything is Yours
Everything is Yours
If everything is Yours
I can let it go

No it was never mine to hold

Who could command the stars to sing
Or hold the raging seas from breaking through the doors
Until the fragile roses wear the very same hand
Oh, Oh, Oh
Oh, Oh, Oh

If everything is Yours
Everything is Yours
If everything is Yours
I can let it go

I can let it

I can let it go

Cause everything is Yours
Yeah everything is Yours
If everything is Yours
Everything is Yours
If everything is Yours
I can let it go
Oh, no

It was never mine to hold
Oh, Oh, Oh
Oh, Oh, Oh