This Might Be the Most Important Post I Have Ever Written...

The past month has taken me places I thought I would never go.  And I mean never.

I'm not even going to try to make excuses for it.  It was just me.  Pretty much being an idiot.  But I would like to explain, apologize, maybe share something I've learned.  

I have struggled, deeply, with... everything.  And in the midst of this struggle I did some research that led me to the following quote, which has been haunting me since I first read it:

"A cloud of missed possibilities envelops every beginning: it is always this beginning, this universe, and not some other. Decision lacks innocence. Around its narrations gather histories of grievance: what possibilities were excluded?" (Keller, 2003, 160).  

I know, I know, who cites stuff on a personal blog?  Bear with me...

There is a part of me that wishes this book was never suggested.  Heck, there is a part of me that wishes this quote was never penned.  Sometimes I think it was easier when I didn't know as much.  I've been quoting Ecclesiastes 1:18 for a long time now, "For with much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief" (NIV).  It is still true.  The more I know, the truer it gets.  Even though I love learning, sometimes I just want to stop.  I can see myself with my hands over my ears, but I can never quite say, "Enough is enough!"  I don't really know if I should share this.  Maybe your life would be better if you didn't know it.  Quite seriously, if you think that might possibly be the case, don't read on.  It's OK.  I don't need you to know this.

But, here's the thing.  We all make choices.  I grew up thinking that there was always one right choice, one good choice, one best choice, just one.  I think I was wrong.  In fact, looking back on it I think there are a lot of good choices I could have made, that I didn't, even when the choices I did make were good ones.  This is much more painful than looking at the good choices in my life and thinking, "Well, I dodged a bullet there... and there... and there..."  If there are multiple good choices, that means we miss out on something good, even when we choose the very best thing we're capable of choosing in the moment.  Histories of grievance are not easy to deal with.

I would like to suggest that you don't even try.  It might cause your heart to break over excluded possibilities, and believe me, you don't want to go there.  Not really.      
   
For days... and days... and days...  in a corporate worship experience, I have been directed back to Psalm 51:17, "My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise" (NIV).  I don't really like being broken as much as I used to.  But it's OK.

I want to fix this.  In fact, I had a really amazing time with God last night, driving home in the dark with a couple of sleeping kids, just listening.  I need to embrace my life, and it's not even that hard to do, because my life really is amazing.  As a variation on a common phrase in the business world, whatever you're doing is perfectly designed for the results you're getting.  I have made good choices.  If the six other people who live at my house are any indication, the results are near perfect.  

But I have to be honest.  I don't have it all together.  Humility is hard, and I think I'm headed for a season of healing that is going to take more time than I want it to.  I'm committed to however long it takes.  You could definitely pray for me.

L. 

Works Cited:

Holy Bible. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2011. Print.

Keller, Catherine. Face of the Deep: A Theology of Becoming. London: Routledge, 2003. Print.