So I was thinking...
I like a good human interest story now and then. It is probably a good thing that I do not get TLC (or any TV stations, for that matter... except I really wish I had NBC right about now, because I love the Olympics and am currently stuck on my sofa bed with no hope of seeing them, but that's another story), because I would probably sit and watch TV all day long like a soap addict...
But the other night, I gave in and ordered the 19 Kids and Counting: Special Duggar Delivery episode through Amazon's TV on demand, because I just really wanted to see it...
19 kids... Wow... It's hard to even find the words for what I think about that. But does it really matter what I think about it?
I have found myself more and more frustrated, lately, about the fact that so many people seem to feel that it is their right to judge others based on their family size. The Duggars are the ultimate example, of course, because they have the biggest, well known family out there at the moment. And I do realize that they have set themselves up, to a certain extent, for criticism, because they are involved in reality TV, but when you watch them, you can't help but be impressed.
I guess this all came on the heels of some interesting comments... or lack thereof... that have been made to me (and a friend of mine) in recent months as our bellies have grown in epic proportions! And I began to think about how it's really nobody's business how many children we choose to have... except ours... and God's...
I got to thinking about how everyone was so thrilled when they found out I was pregnant with Seth... my firstborn. After all, Phil and I had been married for a whopping 2 1/2 years before we conceived him, so heaven knows most of our family and friends had given up hope that we'd ever have children (looking back on this, it seems so incredibly silly)... And let me tell ya that Seth's birth was such a major event that we even had to post a security guard at my hospital door while I was in labor so that people would leave me alone and let me deliver my baby in peace (and stop harassing my husband)...
When Seth was 4 months old, Grace was conceived. We announced her pending arrival and received comments like, "You're having another one?" You would really have to hear the tone of voice to understand how derogatory it was. But when people found out it was a girl, the tone changed a little bit, and it was more like, "Well, thank goodness! You'll have one of each and then you'll be done!" Uh... excuse me...
Most people probably don't know how difficult it was to conceive Caleb or how difficult it was to just "do life" at that time, but our announcement about our third child mostly brought eye rolls. We lived far away from family when he arrived, and the same people who were beating down the door during Seth's delivery (3 1/2 years earlier) waited months (some almost a full year) before they ever laid eyes on Caleb.
And then, when we told people about Ian it was kind of like, "Aren't you done yet? You need to do something about this!"
Now let me make it VERY clear that we had said all along that we wanted to have five children, so I always had a difficult time understanding why people were so opinionated and disgusted by it when we told them another one was on the way... Not that we owed anyone an explanation, but it really shouldn't have even come as a shock!
And then... several months ago now... we announced that Baby Princess #5 would be making her debut this Spring! At this point I have to say that we had an outpouring of congratulations, mostly from old friends and the friend we are closest to here. So when I talk about reactions, I'm not talking about these people... But in large part, we were met with absolute silence. We literally have relatives who have refused to even acknowledge that we are having another child! And I just keep thinking about how shallow this is (well... OK... I don't really think about it all that much, because it's not worth my time, but when I do think about it, it's irritating)...
I look back on all the comments about each of my children... and I think about all the recommendations for when to have children... and how to space them "properly"... and how many is just right... and how many is too many... And I think...
Seth is amazing! I love him with my whole heart, and I am so glad that God sent him at just the time in life that he did. I wouldn't trade him for the world. He has passions that are unique and amazing! He is good at so many things! I could never beat video games without his help! I can't imagine life without Legos all over the house and someone to roll my eyes at when all the math homework doesn't get done! Seth is so special! But our family would not have been complete with just him... God had a different plan...
And I ask...
What, exactly, would I do without Grace? Gosh, am I really supposed to be sorry that we didn't wait a couple more years before bringing another life into the world? She is my right hand, helping me at every turn when I need her. She is excellent at everything she does! It would break my heart if I didn't know that I would hear her belting out worship songs (sometimes a little off key) at some point tomorrow afternoon. And she keeps letting me believe in Tinkerbell even though I think she's finally figured out that she flies from a rope at Disney!
And then we should have just stopped, right?
And what? Missed out on the spinning ball of kinetic energy that kisses me up and down both arms before I walk out the door to the tune of, "Oh, Mommy, my precious Mommy, I'll miss you so much!" (and this when I am planning to be gone for less than 5 minutes to drop someone off or pick something up)? I don't think so. I might not even be here, today, if it wasn't for Caleb. I know I won't be the center of his universe forever, but there is just nothing like it in all the world, for now...
And Ian... How many 3 year olds are there who think to tell you that they love you... and they like you, too? Ian has always been easy to please and even easier to snuggle. Sure, he greets me with a sucker that he has climbed the kitchen cabinets to find when he wakes up every morning, but for a kid who asks for so little, it hardly matters! It wouldn't seem right to go through a day without reading his favorite stories... singing his favorite songs... and having a tickling match or two... or three...
In just a few weeks, we're going to be looking into another beautiful little face, and I won't be able to imagine life without her, either (actually, I already can't). And again, I stop and ask the family experts, which one should we have left out?
Now I believe in being reasonable, and even as write this I have mixed emotions, because I know this is almost without a doubt my last pregnancy. I really don't think my body can do it again, and I love the family I already have enough to want to be around as they're growing up. If I get to age 40 and find that I just can't live without another baby... well... at that point adoption would be my first thought... but I really don't think it's going to go down that way, because I (and we) have had this dream of five children for a whole lot of years now, and it's being fulfilled. You may find this strange, but I always wanted to have a boy... and then a girl... and then two boys... and then a girl... And what do ya know... the more I look back on it the more I realize that maybe it wasn't just me wishing for this... maybe it was the plan all along, and I just knew...
I'm pretty sure that when most people stop and look back on their families, they think similar things. For the Duggars... well I have to imagine that they can't even comprehend what life would be like without each of their 19 children... individually... not just as a number... And for families with only children (I was one by the way), I have to think that they look at their child in wonder and feel pleased with their family just the way it is... And it works that way for everyone and every number of children in between, because God has plans for every life that comes into this world.
I love my family... Wouldn't change it if I could... Wouldn't even think about it...
Lisa
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