If I Die First...

Today I ran across a blog post titled, "10 Requests for My Husband Should I Die First".  I am 99% sure it was supposed to be (mostly) funny.  It was written by a popular "mommy blogger".  It has thousands of "likes" on Facebook.  I chuckled a couple of times, myself.  But then I thought to myself, if I could make ten requests of my husband, should I die first, I would not have to waste several of them on instructions for our children's personal hygiene.

I got in pretty deep a couple of months ago when I made a Facebook post confessing that I had told Phil who I thought he should marry if I died first.  My mother-in-law actually told me that she thought I should take it back.  I told her no.  I'm not taking it back.  Let's be real.  If I die first, Phil doesn't have to follow any of my preferences.  But, I think I'll put a few out there, anyway. 

1.  Do not spend a lot of money on my funeral/burial.  I don't want to be cremated, but seriously, bury me cheap.  If you really feel the need to add a little sparkle, glitter is cheap.  But please remember that under no circumstances should there be terrible music at the funeral.  Loud, angry, angsty music will do.  I own plenty of it.  There are no excuses here.

2.  The day after the funeral, throw the children in the van and go to Disney World.  Have fun.  Laugh.  Cry if you have to.  We did that at Disney, sometimes.  Do all of my favorite stuff, and talk about all of the good memories, but for goodness sake, don't lie!  It's OK to talk about the complete meltdown I had in New Fantasyland when I couldn't deal with all the changes or how mad I got that one time about the ice cream cone, and you should definitely point out all of the places we've vomited on Disney property.  Be real.  But, you know, be magical, too.  You might skip the Haunted Mansion on the first trip... Just sayin'...

3.  Use my name.  Keep pictures up.  Tell stories.  Watch videos.  Don't ever let these things become taboo.  This might be my most selfish request.  But, remember me. 

4.  Don't delete my many, many, many documents that are bits and pieces of things I've written, but don't try to read them all right away, either.  You may want them someday.  The kids may want them someday.  I may be famously published posthumously someday.  Just save it all somewhere.

5.  But don't save all my stuff.  Make sure you keep enough for the kids to all have things that remind them of me, but give a lot of it away to people who need it.  I think it's pretty obvious, though, that no one needs my purple flower pants.  Hang my purple flower pants in Grace's closet. 

6.  Your inclination to be alone will be strong.  Surround yourself with community, anyway.  The kids will desperately need this.  Our quiz family will almost assuredly be the greatest support after blood related relatives.  Go to every quiz, even if you really don't want to.  Go even if the kids can't focus to study.  Those people will hold your arms up.

7.  Make sure the kids call and/or email my parents on a fairly regular basis.  I know it's difficult to get in contact with them, but they are their grandparents.

8.  Date.  It wasn't too long ago that our oldest three children expressed that if I died first they thought you would basically never leave the house again.  They thought I would find someone to "go out to lunch with" if it was the other way around.  Remember that.  Go out to lunch.

9.  Get married again.  This would be so much easier than you think.  Do you have any idea how many people I have told how awesome you are?  Many of them would kill for a husband like you.  So, be careful (I hope that's not how we got to this point).  The kids are the deal breaker.  She must adore the children.  All five of them, even though Miah has always wanted an evil stepmother.  Some of the kids won't like it.  Show them this.  She must adore you, too.  When the kids grow up and move out, you'll still have to like each other.

10.  Remember that God is good, even when life sucks.  Remember when I said, "God has never failed us yet, I don't expect today to be the day he starts".  It's still true.  God is near. 

Well, crap, that was awful!  After writing it, I think I now understand why someone might want to write a humorous post instead... 

L.

What My People Think Of Me...

I recently saw a questionnaire circling on Facebook.  It included 14 questions to ask your children about yourself.  I thought it would be fun to do this, and honestly I wish I had done something like this every year of their lives, once they learned to talk.  The results were fascinating to me.  After asking them these questions I turned to (or maybe on) Phil and asked him, as well.  I don't know if I should suggest this, or not.  I mean, it worked out well for us, but I can see how it could be ugly...

I've thought over whether or not I want to include all of the raw data or if I'd rather share some general principles I've discovered.  I think, mostly, that I will go with general principles, although I have included a few specific answers, as well. 

1.  What is something I always say to you?

The answers to this question ranged from, "I love you," to "Clean your room," to, "Stop fighting with [redacted]!"  My favorite answer, though, came from Seth (age 15), "What's something you always say to me?  You always say, 'goodnight'".  I especially liked this answer, because it highlights a point of connection that we have every day.

2.  What makes me happy?

As soon as Ian (age 9) said, "baklava," I knew we were in trouble.  Almost every answer for the rest of the survey (for him) incorporated baklava in some way.  For example, his answer to question 11 (What is something I'm not good at?) was, "Not eating baklava".  He's right.  If it's available, I'm not good at that.  Interestingly, Miah (age 5) answered that she makes me happy (which is true), while Seth and Grace (age 14) went with "coffee", even though I have only been drinking it since September.

3. What makes me sad?

I was happy to discover that my three youngest children had no idea.  They all answered, "I don't know".  I feel good about this, because it means that they have not often seen me sad.  Seth had a pretty good runner up answer, with "cats".  But Phil really got at the heart of it when he said, "The loss of possibility and what I mean by that is just whether it's a broken or lost relationship or thing or place, it brings you great sadness".  Yes.  That's it.

4. How do I make you laugh?

Miah was so matter of fact.  I make her laugh, "by being funny".  Ian said, "I don't think you've ever made me laugh.  No offense, right?"  I laughed.  I might tickle that kid, tonight. 

5. What was I like as a little girl?

Caleb (age 11) exclaimed,  "What?  How am I supposed to know?"  As it turns out, three of his four siblings agreed with this sentiment.

6. How old am I?

None of my children know how old I am.  Ian is the clear winner, though, with, "Uh... 26?  I think." 

7. How tall am I?

Seth, Grace, and Phil all had it right at 5' 7".  Caleb was close at 5' 6".  Miah said, "18".  Clearly, we need to work on measurement...

8. What is my favorite thing to do?

This was an interesting one.  I love how loved Miah must feel.  She said that my favorite thing to do is "Snuggle with me (her)".  Then we had this range of things like reading, eating baklava, eating chocolate, and vacationing.  I guess I would have said, "vacationing," myself.  But I thought Seth was pretty spot on, as well, with, "Get in warm fuzzy sweatpants and drink coffee and check Facebook".  He knows me.

9. What do I do when you're not around?

Caleb and Ian both thought this question was ridiculous!  They both said, "How am I supposed to know?  I'm not around!"  "Your stuff on your computer" and "talk to Dad" also made the list.

10. What am I really good at?

Miah's answer had me in stitches.  She thinks I am good at making my bed.  Perhaps she was speaking philosophically?  She also thinks I am good at doing stuff.  Well...  good to know.  Cooking and taking pictures were both mentioned as well as, "Being queen of the world".  Train your children well, friends...

Between this question and the next, it is obvious that I have an amazing husband.  He sees me so much differently than I see myself, but I'm going to hang onto his words, anyway, because they are often exactly what I need.  Phil said, "What are you not good at is the better question.  I know you're going to ask me that in a minute.  You're good at everything.  You have such depth to your life and who you are, and I think that echoes through everything else, and yes, you're talented at a bajillion (how awesome is that) things.  There's nothing you can't do, but it's not the things, themselves.  It's the depth to all of that.  Gosh, I love that about you".

11. What is something I'm not good at?

Miah says, "nothing".  I love that when you're five it is possible to think your parents are perfect.  Just sayin'.  Caleb, however, was silent for several minutes.  Several minutes, people!  After a huge sigh, he then said that I am not good at "staying calm".  He's right.  I'm not.  Grace asked, "Do I have to answer this one?"  Followed by, "You're not very good at listening to other people's opinions when you're stubborn."  Teach honesty.  If you do, you will be able to use your children as mirrors.  She, also, is right.  And then there's Seth.  He is so practical.  Seth said that I am not good at, "Looking at a tumbleweed for more than five seconds without screaming".  Truth.  Again.  I'm working on it.

My favorite answer of the day, though, was Phil's, "I think the things we're not good at are so often just a flip side of the things we are good at.  I mean, I could easily come up with a cop out, like you're not good at mowing the lawn.  Because you're not good at mowing the lawn, because you're allergic to grass.  But if you weren't allergic to grass, you'd probably be great at mowing the lawn!  You'd be out there all the time, trimmed perfectly and everything.  I'm going to say this, but I've gotta clarify it.  I'm just going to say, "patience".  But, I don't mean that in many things and every time, because there are a lot of things you've endured.  I mean, endurance... you've got more than anybody that I know, so it's not that kind of patience that I mean.  It's that moment that's like 'snap to, boom', like this...  Now I feel horrible.  It's not fun to answer to your spouse about stuff like this.  But I'll do it.  Because you asked me.  I hope you don't hate me now.  I love you.  Forgive me."

He is so cute.  Frankly, I think this should probably be our post that finally goes viral.  Who says this stuff?  But I do recognize exactly what moments about which he is talking.  I do have a tendency to reach a point at which I am done waiting, and whatever it is that is supposed to be happening had better be happening... now... with finger snapping and pointing and everything.  It's rather amazing how accurate my family was at communicating my greatest weaknesses.

12. What do I do for a job?

These answers probably stand best on their own.  Sometimes it's a sore spot.  But... yeah...  They get it...

M: Help People (Yes, yes I do.)

I: Take pictures for people, I think?  Geographer? (Apparently we are failing at vocabulary.)

C: Can you give me a further definition of job? (No.  I can't.) 

G: You're a philosopher, and a photographer, and a stay at home mom.

S: Look for a Job (ouch!)

13. What is my favorite food?

Phil said it depends on the mood I'm in.  Really?  Yeah, he's probably right.  Miah is too cute not to quote, "You've never 'telled' me that!  Um... Um... That's hard. Stouffers? Just FYI, Stouffers mac and cheese is Miah's favorite food.  We eat a lot of it.  Caleb did well with, "cheesecake", and there was mention of chocolate... and baklava... and coffee...  I'm not sure any of this is really food.  Maybe I've been lying to myself.  Maybe I don't like food...

14. What do you enjoy doing with me?

Grace's answer tops my list.  She likes, "Driving places".  Huh.  That's one of my favorite things to do with her, too.  Other children chimed in with cooking and video games, snuggling and playing.

I'm not certain anyone loved this exercise.  I laughed when we were done and Miah asked, "Did I do every one right?"  Of course she did...  well, minus the age and height, but those were objective.  Every other answer, though, they were about how she sees me.  And it was pretty good.  Now I sit here wondering how I might live life so that the answers are even better next year.

L.

Vomit...

... is apparently the theme of my day.

I know, I know.  You don't want to know.  Really?  You're still reading...

I literally did vomit, this morning, after biting into what I thought was an omelet stuffed with cheese but what ended up being an omelet stuffed with something else altogether.  I think it might have been salsa.  I think I might have sensory issues.  At any rate, not the best way to start my day.

Then I wrote about vomit... no kidding... in a story that I'm working on.  Bet you can't wait to read that one...

And finally, a friend of mine mentioned to me that I might be vomiting my feelings all over the Internet.  And she was absolutely right.  I am.  On a daily basis.  And, here I go again...

I legitimately hate drama (the bad kind, not the, "Hey it's a musical!" kind).  For years I have walked around shaking my head and wondering why some people seem to thrive on it.  My preference would be to never be in crisis.  It just would.  But something awful occurred to me, today (soul care days sometimes do this to you, fair warning).  Sometimes when we have been dealing with a crisis for an extended period of time, it almost becomes easier to keep dealing with it than to let it go.  This must be why people hold on to their drama.  It is comfortable, convoluted as that might sound.  It becomes a part of us.  But I don't think it has to be this way.

I think, whenever possible, the best thing to do is to communicate with the people in your life who are causing you to struggle.  Let's be real, friends.  That's not always possible for a variety of reasons.  Today, I have been thinking about friendships that have just run their course, and let me be the first to say, it is a terrible thing to think about for too long.  I don't like it when friendships end.  I guess nobody does, but it is the absolute worst when they end without closure, when they just sort of fade away and you don't know why... and they don't know why... and nobody knows why... or everybody knows why but nobody wants to talk about it. 

When that happens, I'm pretty sure I write... incessantly... in code, because let's be real (again), I'm actually not nearly as real as I'd like to be.  Honest, yes.  But honest people can not say a lot of things, too..

Which, I guess, is exactly what I just did... again...

L.

And So It's A New Year...

I have made no resolutions.  However... 

Our family has just a few more Sacred Days left, and that time will be followed by Epiphany, which, for me, will begin with some Soul Care Days that I desperately need.  Mostly, I need them desperately because all of the Soul Care Days I took, last year, were saturated with crisis management, and I think I can get away for a few days, now, without that kind of distraction.  When those days draw to a close, I will jump back into school (mine and the kids') with both feet.  I cannot think of a better way to enter into Ordinary Time.

I need an ordinary year, really.  I know that's the sort of thing that most people don't wish for, but it sounds amazing to me.  More than anything, I need to reset the rhythms of my life and to spend my time on the people and things that are central to being the person I was created to be in view of the redemptive work to which God calls us to join in.

This morning, I read a post by Derek Webb that struck a chord with me in so many ways.  What resonated the most were his thoughts on personal liturgy.  He wrote that there are, "things that I don't necessarily or always believe, but I show up to recite again and again in hopes of believing them... so I'll go on reciting and adding to my liturgy in hopes of believing the words, because I wish to.  More than ever, I wish to."  This has caused me to think deeply about some words found in Scripture, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief" (Mark 9:24, NIV).

So often, I find myself in this place where belief and unbelief seem to be at war within me.  I'm not sure the very best plan is to "fake it 'til I make it," but sometimes things do become truth to us if we say them enough times.  And so I will...

L. 

Happy New Year:

We rang in the New Year with 4 straight minutes of kissing...
Someone was bound to grab the camera...  Thanks, Grace...
Caleb said, "I don't know how you breathe!"
Grace replied, "I think they give each other mouth to mouth..."
Excelling At Awkward Since 1979: