This Book Is Draining Me…

I really didn’t expect to feel this way…

I mean, as I published certain chapters I knew there would be tears threatening to fall, and along those same lines, there were others that made me laugh out loud…

But I’m down to the last 12 chapters now, and I hate the ending…

Of course, I know it isn’t really the ending, but reading through these pages is causing me to feel a sense of urgency in writing the sequel.

I think everybody is going to hate how this book ends.

Blah…

Lisa

It is late. I probably should have gone to bed long ago. I am tired. But, 213 pages later, my book is complete. I hesitate to say that it is finished, because there is editing and formatting yet to be done. I am going to give Phil the first read through, and he will, undoubtedly, come back to me with at least several sentences that start, "Remember the time…," or, "You can't forget this…," and then I'll be scrambling to squeeze in another chapter or two. But the basic story is all there. I really can't believe it, but I wrote a book!

Lisa

"Mountain Of God", by Third Day

From the Recording, "Wherever You Are"

Thought that I was all alone
Broken and afraid
But You were there with me
Yes, You were there with me

And I didn't even know
That I had lost my way
But You were there with me
Yes, You were there with me

'Til You opened up my eyes
I never knew
That I couldn't ever make it
Without You

Even though the journey's long
And I know the road is hard
Well, the One who's gone before me
He will help me carry on
After all that I've been through
Now I realize the truth
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God

As I travel on the road
That You have lead me down
You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me
I have need for nothing more
Oh, now that I have found
That You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me

I confess from time to time
I lose my way
But You are always there
To bring me back again

Sometimes I think of where it is I've come from
And the things I've left behind
But of all I've had, what I possessed
Nothing can quite compare
With what's in front of me
With what's in front of me

Well, life feels a little bit like a roller coaster as of late, but don't worry; this is not another CP update… not just yet.

I am having trouble finishing off this book, and it's irritating to me. I thought I'd worked my way through the most difficult parts already, and in a sense I have. But I think I was more emotionally attached during the last few months of our full time ministry journey than I realized, and I am finding the ending chapters to be difficult to write. Perhaps it also has something to do with knowing what came next. Even when it is finished, I will need to do some editing, get all of the details together… like copyright information, ISBN number, thank yous, etc, and send it off to a friend of mine who has graciously agreed to write the forward. I am still hoping for a late summer/early fall release. And the closer I get, the more I wonder whether anyone will read it and whether I really want them to…

This past week, I have found myself wanting to go on a tirade against… well… everyone and everything, I guess. It's probably not really as bad as it sounds… and it's probably worse, too. And if that doesn't make sense, don't worry about it.

My heart is breaking, over and over again, because I am very keenly aware, now, of some needs that are going unmet among several of the people we have ministered to and/or with in the past. I know that I have no right, really, to call on the church to do anything, because I have been unchurched, myself, for so long. I realize that makes my opinion completely obsolete to a great deal of people. But I am going to go out on a limb, anyway, because even though I am by no means an authority on the subject of how the church should work, I do still love Jesus, and I think he makes a few things pretty clear…

I love the book of James. Always have. Today, my thoughts took me to James Chapter 2, specifically, verses 14-17. It is a familiar passage. In one version, it reads,

"What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, 'Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,' but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if not accompanied by action, is dead" (NIV).

In another version,

"Dear friends, do you think you'll get anywhere in this if you learn all the right words but never do anything? Does merely talking about faith indicate that a person really has it? For instance, you come upon an old friend dressed in rags and half starved and say, 'Good morning, friend! Be clothed in Christ! Be filled with the Holy Spirit!' and walk off without providing so much as a coat or a cup of soup - where does that get you? Isn't it obvious that God-talk without God-acts is outrageous nonsense?" (TM).

Ouch!

I've been upset for a long time over my perception that the church is not doing much of anything to reach out to those who don't know Christ and to accomplish the great commission. But that's not even close to what I'm getting at today. What I'm trying to say is that there are people within the church who have needs, and it doesn't seem like anyone is helping them, either! (And, yes, that's an overstatement and a generalization, but read it again and let it make the impact that was intended…)

So like I said before, some specific needs have come to my attention. Here's the run down:

*Money… I hate money, to be honest, because when I don't have it I am stressed out about how to survive, and when I do have it, I am stressed out about how to spend it. But the truth is, there are a lot of church sponsored events that cost a lot of money, and not everyone can afford to participate in these events. This summer, NYC is taking place in St. Louis. There will be thousands of teens and sponsors who attend, and the experience will be life changing for those who go. There are thousands more who will not attend, because they couldn't come up with the cash flow. Among those who aren't making the trip are some of the most dedicated, core leaders in youth groups across the country, and I think it is shameful that no one stepped up and made it possible for them to go. I am kicking myself for being unaware until the final deadlines had passed. So, it's too late for that one, but keep your eyes open, because there are countless other opportunities to help someone out financially, and most of the people who can afford the Internet access required to read this blog can also afford to give something! It doesn't have to be a million dollars… Further, you might want to stop and think about where your tithe is going, because I'm not so sure that most churches are spending it very wisely…

*Family… Yeah, you read that right. A lot of us are really privileged, because we have parents… siblings… or other relatives who are actually related to us by blood or adoption, and who have known us and loved us our whole lives. In ministry, we have met numerous teens who have lost one or both of their parents to divorce, death, debilitating illness, neglect, or abuse. Try to really wrap your mind around that. If you haven't experienced it, you can't understand. I'm not only talking about kids who have to split their time between mom and dad. That's tragic, of course, but I' talking about kids who have no role models, whatsoever. Unfortunately, I have observed these kids being treated as less than worthy of the experience of the church. The excuse is usually that they are too consuming or that their problems are bigger than what we are prepared to handle. Well, let me ask you… Who's going to help them handle the issues, then? If you're an adult with a stable family environment, you might just consider taking one of those kids under your wing and treating them like your own. And I mean really treating them like your own… not just patronizing them. They know the difference.

*Friends… I am mostly talking about adults here. We have lived in six different communities… in the past five years. So, of course, we have lots of "friends". I have 54 friends on myspace, and I send well over 100 Christmas letters every year. But I'm not talking about that brand of friend. I am talking about the kind of friend you feel comfortable sharing your life with. I am talking about the kind of friend to whom you can be accountable. And, I am talking about the kind of friend who doesn't require a whole lot of maintenance. I consider myself very fortunate to have several such friends, but those I have live very far from me, so I rarely see them. Our main channel of communication is the Internet, and I love cyberspace because of it! Every time I hear from one of them, I am excited. They usually send me real e-mail that is longer than three lines, did not go out to seventy other people, and is not in survey form. And I always smile, wonder why they still care so much, and send a reply quickly. That said, I know that you can't force that kind of friendship. But I would encourage you to think about the people you have been the closest to in the past, and contact them in some way to see how they're doing. You might find that they are lonely or friendless and that they still value you. And you might find that they really need you just now.

If you've made it this far, hang on for just a few more moments. I think the idea is that we need to do something! And, believe me, I am talking about myself, just as much as I'm talking about anyone else. That's one of the beautiful things about blogging, you know. I don't really have a clue what you're doing to put your faith into action, so this treatise about what everyone in the world ought to be doing actually ends up being an admonition to myself. But maybe you'll take something from it, too.

And now, if you've read all of this, I'll assume you must care just a little, at least, about who I am and what I have to say, so let me ask you this… Please pray for our family as we seek God's direction for what's next. We want to be people who make a difference in the lives of people.

Lyrics from "Yes and Amen" by: Matt Redman, from the recording, Beautiful News:

Hear your people saying yes

Hear your people saying yes to you

Yes to anything you ask

Yes to anything we're called to do

Hear your people say amen

Hear your people say amen to you

Let your kingdom come on Earth

Let it be just like we prayed to you

Yes and Amen to everything that's in your heart

Yes and Amen to everything that you have planned

We live to see your will be done

And see your perfect kingdom come on Earth, on Earth

Yes and Amen, we're taking up our cross for you

Give us the strength to take these dreams and follow through

We live to see your will be done

And see your perfect kingdom come on Earth, on the Earth

All the promises are yes

All the promises are yes in you

Every good and perfect gift

Every blessing that we have was you

Lisa

Yeah... two posts in one day...

But the last one really should count as yesterday, because I hadn't slept yet.

Well... final leg of the journey... about 30 more pages... I am going to need a vacation!

Lisa

Totally random and unrelated thoughts...

... I do not like being marginalized
... 50 more pages
... My blog posts are lacking the enthusiasm I was hoping for
... Cosby seasons 3 & 4 just hit the shelves
... It's after midnight. Why am I awake
... Caleb wants to be a "choo choo" when he grows up
Lisa

About 60 more pages...

...and I'll have a book. It may go longer, but that was my goal. It is almost scary that I'm getting this close. But I still have to make lunch.

Lisa

Bodily Fluids Can Be Entertaining...

Well, it's been a while since I've made a "real" post on here. After today, it's probably going to be a while again... sorry. But there are a few people out there who want an "update" on how life is going around here, so here it comes...

I have a little over two weeks of school left. I am having an educational meltdown of sorts. If I spend a whole lot of time blogging and not a whole lot of time submitting homework assignments, I am going to destroy my GPA. Actually, no. My GPA is not going to look pretty after this semester, anyway. But if I don't get the work done, I am seriously going to be putting my financial aid in jeopardy, and I certainly cannot afford that.

The kids have pretty much finished up eveything they need to do for Kindergarten and First grade... and a good portion of what they need to do for Second grade. Here I remind you that Grace is only five years old, and Seth was not yet "compulsory school age", this Fall. I will be declaring "summer vacation" soon, because we are seriously out of stuff to do...

I have spent the last two days covered in spit-up, vomit, and pee, compliments of Caleb and Ian. One of these days, Caleb is going to be potty trained. Until then, I am going to have to get the refrigerator lock fixed... yes... the refrigerator. I am not 100% sure what happened, this morning, but I think Caleb pulled his diaper off and then when to the fridge for a drink. In the process, he... uh... sprayed the floor in front of the fridge and the bottom shelf, as well. Thankfully, it is getting close to grocery shopping time, so it's not like there was any food within reach, anyway... ugh. This goes down as one of those things I just never imagined I'd have to clean up. I think he was pretty proud that he didn't get his diaper wet... You know... someday when my kids are older and I no longer have to spend all of my time cleaning up bodily fluids, I am going to buy satin sheets.

I have been working on my book, as well, and can't seem to make myself take a break from it until school is out. I am around page 94. I do have one chapter that is going to have to be completely re-written, though. That means I'm not getting a whole lot of sleep between the book and the very hungry caterpillar... uh... baby. Ian eats a lot...

Overall, I think life is alright. I am tired... as in really tired. But I am happy.

Look for another post in a couple of weeks.

Lisa

It's almost time...

I have been working on a book for the past 18 months. Well... that's not exactly true. It goes something more like this... I stay up until midnight working on the book one night. Then I stay up until 2:00 or 3:00 am working on the book the next night. Then I don't touch the book for three or four months. I start thinking about the book again, and the process begins again. And it goes on... and on... and on...

But I think I am really supposed to finish this book. Like, right now.

When it is finished, I am going to publish it myself. This is for a couple of reasons. First of all, I don't have the patience (or maybe the endurance) to suffer through long publishing processes that would probably end with a pile of rejection letters. And second, I don't want anyone to do anything to change my book.

Perhaps no one will read it. I guess I am OK with that, but I still hope someone reads it anyway.

It will be very honest... and very raw. And with that in mind, it will also be written completely from my own point of view, so I'm pretty sure there will be people who feel it is less than honest. That's because there are many... many sides to the story. I doubt those people will read the book anyhow, but just in case, I have changed their names... and the names of their churches... and the names of their towns.

I am telling you all of this, because I am currently caught up in the chapters that are the heart and soul of the story. And it is very difficult to write. And I want to make sure I have "done justice" to this part of the journey, if nothing else.

I fully expect to be less sarcastic and less cynical when I have finished. I am already well on my way. But I will still have a dry sense of humor, because that's just the way I am.

So, please send up some prayers for me while I finish this project. I'll let you know when it's done, just in case you want to read it.

Lisa