... A Review
It would probably come as a shock to most people I know to have me admit that I’ve been watching a lot of MTV lately… Heck, it kind of comes as a shock to me. But I have… and this is why…
Near the end of my pregnancy with Miah, I was keeping a ridiculous sleep schedule, and I logged a lot of late night hours on facebook (even more than usual). During this time, I started seeing a lot of references to the show, “16 and Pregnant”. Many of these references were coming from teenagers we work with who are in the 13-16 age range, so it piqued my interest, and I was concerned enough about them, and bored enough at 2:00 in the morning, to check it out…
My main interest in the show, at that point, was that I wanted to know what these kids were watching. I wondered if this show was portraying a realistic view on teenage pregnancy or if it was glorifying the trend of teenagers getting pregnant on purpose (and if this is a new concept to you, I’m not kidding… that’s how it works now)…
So, I opened up an Amazon widow and paid $1.99 for the first episode. Thus began an interesting education for me in 21st century television… and life…
*Note: I later found out that you can watch the show for free at MTV’s website… uh… I found this out after I’d purchased the full first season, I think. This is one case in which my self proclaimed title of “cultural moron” didn’t really serve me well. I didn’t even know I was watching MTV at first…
Overall, I’m not sure I can recommend this show. I certainly can’t recommend every episode or recommend it without caution. But I will probably be able to use clips from it in certain teaching situations. The show does not, in any way, meet my standards for entertainment (although I would be lying to say that it’s not entertaining at times). I’m not sure that entertainment is the purpose of the show, however… And truthfully, I have had a bit of difficulty deciphering what the purpose of the show really is…
As a basic rundown, the show comes on with a girl introducing herself and giving the viewers an idea about what her life is like… what she is involved in at school… what kind of family she has… what her relationship with her boyfriend is like… Then, at the end of this mini introduction, she says something to the effect of, “but that’s all going to change, because I’m pregnant”… she turns… the camera gives us a profile view of her growing belly… and then the show begins…
Over the course of the next 40 minutes or so (if you buy from Amazon, it’s 40 minutes… if you watch on MTV, you have to endure commercials, so it’s longer), we follow the pregnancy. For the most part, I think MTV has done a good job of making this real. Generally speaking, the girl has to give up a lot of the things that she loves to do. Many of them drop out of school. A lot of the guys disappear. The reactions of the families have ranged from supportive to irate, but an awful lot of these families are just really sad to begin with. I have certainly had the most difficulty sorting through the parents who cuss their kids out or even physically harm their pregnant daughters. But there are subtleties, too, that I think sometimes go unnoticed.
For example... It took until the 12th episode I watched to hear a parent say, “I taught you not to have sex!” Uh… duh… if you never bother to teach your kids to wait to have sex, it is probably pretty reasonable to assume they just might make you a grandparent earlier than you’d imagined. Even so, the parent who finally proclaimed this was pregnant, herself, with her live in boyfriend, so perhaps there is something to learning from examples that are set… Still, she was one of the more reasonable mothers on the show. Episode after episode, though, I heard parents telling their teens, “We taught you about protection”! Seriously, think this through… Are 15 and 16 year old kids really thinking, “Hey, let’s slap a condom on it,” when they are in the heat of the moment? Uh… no… they’re not! It’s ironic, but I have heard time and time again that kids who are taught abstinence are more likely to get pregnant, because they are all having sex, so the kids who haven’t learned about “protection” are more at risk. Maybe this is true, statistically speaking. I don’t really know. But based on the sampling from this show, I would say that the kids who are taught abstinence are less likely to get pregnant, because they aren’t having sex… just a thought, of course…
Perhaps one of the most shocking quotes came from one of the pregnant teenager’s friends who informed her that you really can’t do anything to prevent pregnancy. I was glad the pregnant girl looked back at her and informed her that you can not have sex. Unfortunately, all of the girls in the room kind of looked around nervously, as if that was the most ridiculous thing they’d ever heard of, and giggled… wonder how many of them will be sporting bellies of their own soon…
I think that one of the most intriguing things, for me, is to watch the relationship between the parents to be as it unfolds. For the most part, either the guy or the girl (sometimes both) has been severely immature or just plain nasty. A lot of the guys walk out early on. And the ones who stick around are often treated pretty badly by the girls. The guys who make it (still in the relationship) all the way to the delivery room often check out once nighttime feedings and diapers become a reality. And in a lot of cases, grandmas and grandpas are left raising babies they didn’t really want to deal with to begin with. This is not always the case, and a few of the girls have done a pretty remarkable job.
I have followed the stories beyond “16 and Pregnant” to the spin off series, “Teen Mom”. I am not going to take the time to run down what I think of every participant in these series, but I am going to say that the one couple, of all of them I have observed, who seemed to be the most mature and capable of making adult decisions, gave their child up for adoption.
Now, I have had several friends and family members who have been on either the giving or receiving side of adoption, and I do not think that adoption is the best choice for everyone. However, I do think that it is a beautiful alternative to trying to raise a child that you do not have the capacity to raise, and there are so many couples out there who dream of children and are amazingly blessed by the gift of adoption. The fact that many people have commented on how selfish this couple was to give up their child is just astounding to me. True, by giving their child up for adoption, they have been able to retain some normalcy in their teenage lives, but in reality, I think it was the most unselfish choice possible, because they have given their child a chance to have everything they could not provide. It has been obvious that they have suffered emotional distress over this decision, and they will never really be “normal” teenagers again, but they made a loving choice, nonetheless.
I have to admit that I’ve gotten kind of “hooked” on the shows. I find myself wanting to know how things turn out for these kids… and their kids. I have always had a soft heart for teenage parents, and I find myself rooting for them to make the right choices for their babies… and for themselves.
And then I stop and take a step back and try to remember why I started watching in the first place… I know a lot of teenagers. In fact, I know a pretty good number of teenage parents. And what we really need to do here is to provide a support network for them and a means of prevention for those who are headed in that direction.
I never would have thought that MTV would come up with something productive. And, again, I can’t really wholeheartedly recommend the show (especially not for preteens, who are often the ones watching). But I can recommend putting your arms around a hurting kid and steering them in the right direction…
Lisa
Happiest Place on Earth
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Friday, April 23, 2010
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Predators and Idiots...
It occurred to me, this morning, that perhaps I am just a little bit on the slow side... when it comes to certain things... In the two years that we have been here, it has become painfully obvious to me that there is a serious sexual problem in this town. It encompasses many teenagers, and it encompasses many adults. It's almost as if the rules don't apply here...
Due to the nature of my work here, I come into contact with teenagers on a fairly regular basis. It is not unusual to have to make a run to Kroger on any given night to buy a pregnancy test for one kid or another. In fact, I've asked to just have them stocked, because it's a pretty good waste of my time to always be running to the store. To this point, none of those tests have come out positive. In my opinion, this is just further proof that the kids who are having sex have absolutely no idea what they're doing.
They don't know when they had their last period. I have never met so many girls who tell me that their periods are completely irregular (but is it really any surprise). I have even had kids tell me that they don't know if they could be pregnant or not, and when asked if they've had sex they also sometimes reply, "I don't know!" Now somebody tell me... unless you are drunk off your rocker or drugged, how do you "not know" if you've had sex? Perhaps... and this is truly not outside the realm of possibility... they don't even really know what sex is!
Phil did a series at the firehouse last school year entitled "Sex 501". When asked how they learned about sex, many of the teens responded that a friend had told them... not surprising... but then the answers ranged from, "I learned about it in a magazine (porn)," to, "I learned about it by having it." If my memory serves me correctly, I think two of them (girls) said that their moms were the first to tell them about sex, and one said that his dad had provided the magazine. This was not a group of 8-10 kids... It was more like 50+!
And I just sit here wondering how in the world we expect these kids to understand what sex is, or certainly why it was created, and within what context it is appropriate!
But here's the deal. If I had to make an educated guess, I'd say that most of the girls I talk to about sex have their first intercourse experience around age 14. This makes me rather sick, but I didn't fully understand how serious this age thing is until this morning. In this state, age 14 is a golden opportunity for 18 year old men to prey on young girls. At age 14 our laws move from child molestation to sexual misconduct with a minor, dropping the crime to a class C felony (which could still land you in prison for 15 years, but probably won't). Further, the sexual offender can use as his (or her, but I'm seeing that more rarely) offense that they thought the child was over age 16, that they are less than a full four years older than the child, and that they had an ongoing "personal relationship" with the child, and hey... they're pretty much off the hook...
Now, give me a break! I'm starting to see it now. These 18 year old guys make sure they are having sex with girls who are almost 15. In our town, the average age of kids per grade is pretty high, so they can reasonably say, "Gosh, I knew she was in high school, so I figured she was at least 16". They "befriend" these girls and hang out for weeks or even months before they strike (hence, a personal relationship). And then... when these little girls are at their lowest possible point thinking that nobody likes them or they aren't pretty enough or thin enough or whatever, these guys say, "Hey... let's go for a ride in my car". And the rest is history, because the girls consent (even though they are technically too young), since they are desperate for attention and think this is the way to finally get it. This, of course, eliminates the need for the guy to worry that the girl will say that sex was forced... puts all the responsibility on her (which, some of it is her responsibility... I am not excusing this, at all)...
In the previous months, I thought these guys were pretty stupid. But I was wrong. They know the laws. They're pretty smart... at least in that sense...
So I've watched parents, siblings, and other family members and friends call these guys in. What usually happens is the offender gets picked up, and that night or the next morning someone comes up with an outrageous amount of money to post for bail (drugs, maybe?). By the time it goes to court, he has another little girl (14 or 15 years old) in which he is in a "serious" relationship, but nobody ever catches it... no matter that they are traipsing all around town in broad daylight! He gets off because of some aforementioned defense, so nothing sticks on his record, and next time he's caught, his record is still squeaky clean. And on and on it goes...
I am going to blame parents now (and maybe particularly moms)... so get ready...
I can't even begin to count how many kids in this town have told me about the the numerous people that their parents are sleeping with. Hello... if your child regularly comes home to find you in bed with someone that is not your spouse... not their father or mother... not the father or mother of their siblings... is your child not going to begin to think this is normal and acceptable behavior?
I have had conversations with adults who have told me that people in churches are judgemental and have no right telling them who to sleep with. Well, you know what? They're right. It is really none of my business to say who they should or shouldn't be sleeping with. However, when they come to me and want to know why their kids are sleeping around and site that they have told them not to, it is kinda hard to look them in the face and take them seriously. Children learn by observation. It doesn't work to say, "Do as I say, not as I do!"
I have watched parents drop charges against men who assault their kids, because... well... their daughter really likes him and doesn't want him to get in trouble! Let me tell ya something... if a man ever... ever... ever lays a hand on my daughter, I don't care if she thinks he's a saint! He's going to prison for the maximum amount of time possible if I have to carry him there on my back!
Further... these parents are allowing their children to spend the night, co-ed, with no supervision! They are allowing weekend camping trips in which they don't even really know where their kids are. And these are some of the same parents who will ground their children for months if they are down the road past 9pm talking to their pastor's wife! Hello... again! The same parents who won't let their kids come to youth group if their homework isn't done or who complain that the kids at our events are too rowdy! Hello... again... again! I'm sorry, but this is just irresponsible parenting!
Look... I know that I am getting kind of old, but the world and the life of teenagers has not changed so much since I was in middle school and high school that I can't still relate. I had every opportunity imaginable when I was an early teenager. I could have drank... or done drugs... or had as much sex as I would have liked. (Or not liked, by the way, because it's not like these kids are great at having sex. They regularly tell me how it wasn't what they expected or hoped for.) But here's the thing. I chose NOT to do these things. And let me mention here that when I was in 8th grade and then 9th grade, I wasn't exactly "Super Christian Kid" or anything. In fact, I was further from a relationship with God than I had ever been, and I knew it, but I wanted to fit in, and I had a very low self image, so it didn't really matter to me. I did some stupid stuff. But something obviously did matter, because I was not willing to lose all of my integrity for a few fleeting moments that I somehow knew weren't going to satisfy the longing I had.
Further, I met Phil when I was 14 (almost 15) and he was 18. This resonates pretty well with this post, as it is EXACTLY the ages of children I am referring to. But he never, ever took advantage of me in any way. I look back on that and I think about how we could have been just like these kids if we chose to be. There was really nothing at all to stop us from doing whatever we wanted... except at this point our own faith and integrity (which many of these kids also claim to have). We dated for 3+ years before getting married and having sex for the first time ever (both of us) on our wedding night. We have shared this story with kids here, and they have honestly laughed until they took a good look at our faces and realized we were completely serious.
Somehow, the kids in this place don't understand that the possibility actually exists that you can wait for sex until marriage. Even the ones who are the most receptive will often tell me that they are waiting until they have a good job, or finish high school, or know they are in love. To even suggest waiting for marriage seems almost laughable... literally...
I think, this morning, I am tired of dealing with little girls who are afraid to become mommies and haven't even thought about the fact that they could very well have AIDS. I am tired of adult parents who are in the same situation but yell at their kids because they're following in their footsteps. I am tired of sexual sin being so pervasive that kids can't even keep their hands off one another long enough to think about what they're doing and how their lives might be better if they'd stop.
Step down from soapbox...
Lisa
Due to the nature of my work here, I come into contact with teenagers on a fairly regular basis. It is not unusual to have to make a run to Kroger on any given night to buy a pregnancy test for one kid or another. In fact, I've asked to just have them stocked, because it's a pretty good waste of my time to always be running to the store. To this point, none of those tests have come out positive. In my opinion, this is just further proof that the kids who are having sex have absolutely no idea what they're doing.
They don't know when they had their last period. I have never met so many girls who tell me that their periods are completely irregular (but is it really any surprise). I have even had kids tell me that they don't know if they could be pregnant or not, and when asked if they've had sex they also sometimes reply, "I don't know!" Now somebody tell me... unless you are drunk off your rocker or drugged, how do you "not know" if you've had sex? Perhaps... and this is truly not outside the realm of possibility... they don't even really know what sex is!
Phil did a series at the firehouse last school year entitled "Sex 501". When asked how they learned about sex, many of the teens responded that a friend had told them... not surprising... but then the answers ranged from, "I learned about it in a magazine (porn)," to, "I learned about it by having it." If my memory serves me correctly, I think two of them (girls) said that their moms were the first to tell them about sex, and one said that his dad had provided the magazine. This was not a group of 8-10 kids... It was more like 50+!
And I just sit here wondering how in the world we expect these kids to understand what sex is, or certainly why it was created, and within what context it is appropriate!
But here's the deal. If I had to make an educated guess, I'd say that most of the girls I talk to about sex have their first intercourse experience around age 14. This makes me rather sick, but I didn't fully understand how serious this age thing is until this morning. In this state, age 14 is a golden opportunity for 18 year old men to prey on young girls. At age 14 our laws move from child molestation to sexual misconduct with a minor, dropping the crime to a class C felony (which could still land you in prison for 15 years, but probably won't). Further, the sexual offender can use as his (or her, but I'm seeing that more rarely) offense that they thought the child was over age 16, that they are less than a full four years older than the child, and that they had an ongoing "personal relationship" with the child, and hey... they're pretty much off the hook...
Now, give me a break! I'm starting to see it now. These 18 year old guys make sure they are having sex with girls who are almost 15. In our town, the average age of kids per grade is pretty high, so they can reasonably say, "Gosh, I knew she was in high school, so I figured she was at least 16". They "befriend" these girls and hang out for weeks or even months before they strike (hence, a personal relationship). And then... when these little girls are at their lowest possible point thinking that nobody likes them or they aren't pretty enough or thin enough or whatever, these guys say, "Hey... let's go for a ride in my car". And the rest is history, because the girls consent (even though they are technically too young), since they are desperate for attention and think this is the way to finally get it. This, of course, eliminates the need for the guy to worry that the girl will say that sex was forced... puts all the responsibility on her (which, some of it is her responsibility... I am not excusing this, at all)...
In the previous months, I thought these guys were pretty stupid. But I was wrong. They know the laws. They're pretty smart... at least in that sense...
So I've watched parents, siblings, and other family members and friends call these guys in. What usually happens is the offender gets picked up, and that night or the next morning someone comes up with an outrageous amount of money to post for bail (drugs, maybe?). By the time it goes to court, he has another little girl (14 or 15 years old) in which he is in a "serious" relationship, but nobody ever catches it... no matter that they are traipsing all around town in broad daylight! He gets off because of some aforementioned defense, so nothing sticks on his record, and next time he's caught, his record is still squeaky clean. And on and on it goes...
I am going to blame parents now (and maybe particularly moms)... so get ready...
I can't even begin to count how many kids in this town have told me about the the numerous people that their parents are sleeping with. Hello... if your child regularly comes home to find you in bed with someone that is not your spouse... not their father or mother... not the father or mother of their siblings... is your child not going to begin to think this is normal and acceptable behavior?
I have had conversations with adults who have told me that people in churches are judgemental and have no right telling them who to sleep with. Well, you know what? They're right. It is really none of my business to say who they should or shouldn't be sleeping with. However, when they come to me and want to know why their kids are sleeping around and site that they have told them not to, it is kinda hard to look them in the face and take them seriously. Children learn by observation. It doesn't work to say, "Do as I say, not as I do!"
I have watched parents drop charges against men who assault their kids, because... well... their daughter really likes him and doesn't want him to get in trouble! Let me tell ya something... if a man ever... ever... ever lays a hand on my daughter, I don't care if she thinks he's a saint! He's going to prison for the maximum amount of time possible if I have to carry him there on my back!
Further... these parents are allowing their children to spend the night, co-ed, with no supervision! They are allowing weekend camping trips in which they don't even really know where their kids are. And these are some of the same parents who will ground their children for months if they are down the road past 9pm talking to their pastor's wife! Hello... again! The same parents who won't let their kids come to youth group if their homework isn't done or who complain that the kids at our events are too rowdy! Hello... again... again! I'm sorry, but this is just irresponsible parenting!
Look... I know that I am getting kind of old, but the world and the life of teenagers has not changed so much since I was in middle school and high school that I can't still relate. I had every opportunity imaginable when I was an early teenager. I could have drank... or done drugs... or had as much sex as I would have liked. (Or not liked, by the way, because it's not like these kids are great at having sex. They regularly tell me how it wasn't what they expected or hoped for.) But here's the thing. I chose NOT to do these things. And let me mention here that when I was in 8th grade and then 9th grade, I wasn't exactly "Super Christian Kid" or anything. In fact, I was further from a relationship with God than I had ever been, and I knew it, but I wanted to fit in, and I had a very low self image, so it didn't really matter to me. I did some stupid stuff. But something obviously did matter, because I was not willing to lose all of my integrity for a few fleeting moments that I somehow knew weren't going to satisfy the longing I had.
Further, I met Phil when I was 14 (almost 15) and he was 18. This resonates pretty well with this post, as it is EXACTLY the ages of children I am referring to. But he never, ever took advantage of me in any way. I look back on that and I think about how we could have been just like these kids if we chose to be. There was really nothing at all to stop us from doing whatever we wanted... except at this point our own faith and integrity (which many of these kids also claim to have). We dated for 3+ years before getting married and having sex for the first time ever (both of us) on our wedding night. We have shared this story with kids here, and they have honestly laughed until they took a good look at our faces and realized we were completely serious.
Somehow, the kids in this place don't understand that the possibility actually exists that you can wait for sex until marriage. Even the ones who are the most receptive will often tell me that they are waiting until they have a good job, or finish high school, or know they are in love. To even suggest waiting for marriage seems almost laughable... literally...
I think, this morning, I am tired of dealing with little girls who are afraid to become mommies and haven't even thought about the fact that they could very well have AIDS. I am tired of adult parents who are in the same situation but yell at their kids because they're following in their footsteps. I am tired of sexual sin being so pervasive that kids can't even keep their hands off one another long enough to think about what they're doing and how their lives might be better if they'd stop.
Step down from soapbox...
Lisa
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