I'm Learning Some Things About Myself...

In some ways, I hate that.  I feel like I should know myself pretty well at this stage in the game.  But, whatever.  If you have followed my FB posts or even these blog posts over the past few months, you have probably noticed that there have been a lot of violent ups and downs.  If you've been privileged (and I use that word tongue in cheek) enough to also have more personal interactions with me, you might even be worried.  Don't be.  Really.  I mean, sometimes I'm actually not OK, but I will be.  I channel my emotions into writing.  For the most part, as soon as it's written I can move on.  But I do have to write it.  Whatever it is.  Much of the time I also need an audience lately, but not always.  If you saw the things I write and don't share, you'd really be worried.  Here's what I'm learning, today...     

1.  I am never happy unless I am helping someone.  This seems like it should fall under the category of "positive qualities to possess".  Sometimes it does.  Actually, much of the time it does.  But let's go back to the word, "never".  It would appear that I need people in my life who are in perpetual crisis in order to be happy, in order to feel as if I am doing something useful and redemptive in the world.  On days where everyone I know is feeling fine, I'm in trouble!  And I shouldn't be.  I should really like those days, because I love those people!      

2.  People are afraid to call me on the carpet.  I have been living a particular story over the past few months that has leaked its way out in bits and pieces to trusted friends and mentors, over time.  I honestly can't remember who knows which pieces of the story, exactly, but I'm pretty sure no one knows it all.  It's an ugly story, and, no, I'm not going to share it here where anyone in the world could potentially read it.  Apparently, though, I scare people.  I mean, if someone else shared this story, about themselves, with me, I would kick their butt.  Maybe this is why I scare people.  I'm not as tough as you think (and that's hard to write).  I need people in my life who are willing to kick my butt (but only when I deserve it, please).

3.  I broke the mold, and I don't care.  But it still hurts when people are mean.  Which, I guess, means I do care... at least, sort of.  'Nough said...

This is kind of random.  I need to go help somebody now.

L.

Seven Years…

… Does it ever end?

That’s an interesting question…

Seven years ago, our family looked something like this:

My goodness… a lot can change in seven years…

Seven years ago, today, I…

… Attended a livestock auction…

… Had my heart broken into a million pieces…

… Made a baby…

It was quite a day, to say the least…

I like George Santayana’s quote, “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it”. I have always liked this quote. And I have also found it true.

Unfortunately, it seems that many people just want to forget. Sometimes, I want to forget. But then… I remember…

I remember…

“…that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us…” (Romans 5:3b-5a NIV)

… that we grow more from failure than success…

… that I am broken, and I do not need to be fixed…

… that God places people in our lives… and places us in the lives of people… and sometimes we have to say, “good-bye” to say, “hello”…

Oh… my friends of seven years past…

I remember you.

I have loved watching you grow.

I have laughed… and cried… and prayed over you… and I still do…

You are my friends… and my family… and my home…

But…

On this day… seven years later…

I have been reminded…

…that life moves on for you, without us… and that life moves on for us, without you…

… that God loves people… everywhere… and He wants us to love them, too…

… that God can provide “family” anywhere you go… (although the older I get, the more I take on new “kids” as opposed to new “siblings”, which has a different dynamic altogether…)

… that what is intended for evil can unquestionably be used for good…

So, does it ever end? That was the question, right?

Does what ever end?

The pain? No, not really… but it fades with forgiveness; and peace and hope help…

The love? Never… and it only grows with time…

Do not forget. Shed some tears. Fully embrace God’s next chapter.

“Faith My Eyes”
By: Caedmon’s Call

As I survey the ground for ants
Looking for a place to sit and read
I'm reminded of the streets of my hometown
How they're much like this concrete that's warm beneath my feet

And how I'm all wrapped up in my mother's face
With a touch of my father just up around the eyes
And the sound of my brother's laugh
But more wrapped up in what binds our ever distant lives

But if I must go
Things I trust will be better off without me
But I don't want to know
Life is better off a mystery

So keep'em coming these lines on the road
And keep me responsible be it a light or heavy load
And keep me guessing with these blessings in disguise
And I'll walk with grace my feet and faith my eyes

Hometown weather is on TV
I imagine the lives of the people living there
And I'm curious if they imagine me
Cause they just wanna leave; I wish that I could stay

And to visit places from my past
But only for an hour or so
Which is long enough to smell the air
To tell the tale and find the door

But I get turned around
I mistake some happiness for blessing
But I'm blessed as the poor
Still I judge success by how I'm dressing

So I'll sing a song of my hometown
I'll breathe the air and walk the streets
Maybe find a place to sit and read
And the ants are welcome company

And I'll walk with grace my feet and faith my eyes.
And I'll walk with grace my feet and faith my eyes.

Lisa

Who's Business Is It, Anyway...

So I was thinking...

I like a good human interest story now and then. It is probably a good thing that I do not get TLC (or any TV stations, for that matter... except I really wish I had NBC right about now, because I love the Olympics and am currently stuck on my sofa bed with no hope of seeing them, but that's another story), because I would probably sit and watch TV all day long like a soap addict...

But the other night, I gave in and ordered the 19 Kids and Counting: Special Duggar Delivery episode through Amazon's TV on demand, because I just really wanted to see it...

19 kids... Wow... It's hard to even find the words for what I think about that. But does it really matter what I think about it?

I have found myself more and more frustrated, lately, about the fact that so many people seem to feel that it is their right to judge others based on their family size. The Duggars are the ultimate example, of course, because they have the biggest, well known family out there at the moment. And I do realize that they have set themselves up, to a certain extent, for criticism, because they are involved in reality TV, but when you watch them, you can't help but be impressed.

I guess this all came on the heels of some interesting comments... or lack thereof... that have been made to me (and a friend of mine) in recent months as our bellies have grown in epic proportions! And I began to think about how it's really nobody's business how many children we choose to have... except ours... and God's...

I got to thinking about how everyone was so thrilled when they found out I was pregnant with Seth... my firstborn. After all, Phil and I had been married for a whopping 2 1/2 years before we conceived him, so heaven knows most of our family and friends had given up hope that we'd ever have children (looking back on this, it seems so incredibly silly)... And let me tell ya that Seth's birth was such a major event that we even had to post a security guard at my hospital door while I was in labor so that people would leave me alone and let me deliver my baby in peace (and stop harassing my husband)...

When Seth was 4 months old, Grace was conceived. We announced her pending arrival and received comments like, "You're having another one?" You would really have to hear the tone of voice to understand how derogatory it was. But when people found out it was a girl, the tone changed a little bit, and it was more like, "Well, thank goodness! You'll have one of each and then you'll be done!" Uh... excuse me...

Most people probably don't know how difficult it was to conceive Caleb or how difficult it was to just "do life" at that time, but our announcement about our third child mostly brought eye rolls. We lived far away from family when he arrived, and the same people who were beating down the door during Seth's delivery (3 1/2 years earlier) waited months (some almost a full year) before they ever laid eyes on Caleb.

And then, when we told people about Ian it was kind of like, "Aren't you done yet? You need to do something about this!"

Now let me make it VERY clear that we had said all along that we wanted to have five children, so I always had a difficult time understanding why people were so opinionated and disgusted by it when we told them another one was on the way... Not that we owed anyone an explanation, but it really shouldn't have even come as a shock!

And then... several months ago now... we announced that Baby Princess #5 would be making her debut this Spring! At this point I have to say that we had an outpouring of congratulations, mostly from old friends and the friend we are closest to here. So when I talk about reactions, I'm not talking about these people... But in large part, we were met with absolute silence. We literally have relatives who have refused to even acknowledge that we are having another child! And I just keep thinking about how shallow this is (well... OK... I don't really think about it all that much, because it's not worth my time, but when I do think about it, it's irritating)...

I look back on all the comments about each of my children... and I think about all the recommendations for when to have children... and how to space them "properly"... and how many is just right... and how many is too many... And I think...

Seth is amazing! I love him with my whole heart, and I am so glad that God sent him at just the time in life that he did. I wouldn't trade him for the world. He has passions that are unique and amazing! He is good at so many things! I could never beat video games without his help! I can't imagine life without Legos all over the house and someone to roll my eyes at when all the math homework doesn't get done! Seth is so special! But our family would not have been complete with just him... God had a different plan...

And I ask...

What, exactly, would I do without Grace? Gosh, am I really supposed to be sorry that we didn't wait a couple more years before bringing another life into the world? She is my right hand, helping me at every turn when I need her. She is excellent at everything she does! It would break my heart if I didn't know that I would hear her belting out worship songs (sometimes a little off key) at some point tomorrow afternoon. And she keeps letting me believe in Tinkerbell even though I think she's finally figured out that she flies from a rope at Disney!

And then we should have just stopped, right?

And what? Missed out on the spinning ball of kinetic energy that kisses me up and down both arms before I walk out the door to the tune of, "Oh, Mommy, my precious Mommy, I'll miss you so much!" (and this when I am planning to be gone for less than 5 minutes to drop someone off or pick something up)? I don't think so. I might not even be here, today, if it wasn't for Caleb. I know I won't be the center of his universe forever, but there is just nothing like it in all the world, for now...

And Ian... How many 3 year olds are there who think to tell you that they love you... and they like you, too? Ian has always been easy to please and even easier to snuggle. Sure, he greets me with a sucker that he has climbed the kitchen cabinets to find when he wakes up every morning, but for a kid who asks for so little, it hardly matters! It wouldn't seem right to go through a day without reading his favorite stories... singing his favorite songs... and having a tickling match or two... or three...

In just a few weeks, we're going to be looking into another beautiful little face, and I won't be able to imagine life without her, either (actually, I already can't). And again, I stop and ask the family experts, which one should we have left out?

Now I believe in being reasonable, and even as write this I have mixed emotions, because I know this is almost without a doubt my last pregnancy. I really don't think my body can do it again, and I love the family I already have enough to want to be around as they're growing up. If I get to age 40 and find that I just can't live without another baby... well... at that point adoption would be my first thought... but I really don't think it's going to go down that way, because I (and we) have had this dream of five children for a whole lot of years now, and it's being fulfilled. You may find this strange, but I always wanted to have a boy... and then a girl... and then two boys... and then a girl... And what do ya know... the more I look back on it the more I realize that maybe it wasn't just me wishing for this... maybe it was the plan all along, and I just knew...

I'm pretty sure that when most people stop and look back on their families, they think similar things. For the Duggars... well I have to imagine that they can't even comprehend what life would be like without each of their 19 children... individually... not just as a number... And for families with only children (I was one by the way), I have to think that they look at their child in wonder and feel pleased with their family just the way it is... And it works that way for everyone and every number of children in between, because God has plans for every life that comes into this world.

I love my family... Wouldn't change it if I could... Wouldn't even think about it...

Lisa

At This Moment...

... It's almost 7:30pm on a Thursday.

Seth and Grace are tucked in their rooms, both awaiting the opening theme song for Adventures in Odyssey before they fall asleep. Caleb and Ian have enjoyed a bedtime story and are also tucked away, headed to dreamland. Phil is out working to finish up his last week of class before Christmas break.

And here I sit...

I am eating a bowl of Extreme Moose Tracks ice cream and thinking about the 3 discussion boards, 1 assignment, midterm exam, and paper that I really need to complete in the next 4 1/2 hours. But mostly I am pondering about people...

And overall... tonight... I am sort of sick of people...

Now, to be fair, I have never been a real "people person"... certainly never a "people pleaser"... but tonight I just have that weary to the bones kind of tired that comes from dealing with people...

I feel a little bit lost... and I feel a little bit frustrated...

I think this mostly happens to me when: #1 I am overloaded (which I am right now) and #2 I feel the need to hit the "fake it button" in which I go into PR mode for the sake of survival (which I do right now). And let me tell ya... I can do a pretty good snow job and if people knew what I was really thinking... well... people do read this, you know, so I'd better not go on about it...

I will say this, however... If there is one thing that bothers me more than anything else about people it is the tendency to be selfish. I am sick of selfish. Selfish comes in many forms... and although it is easy for a lot of people to claim that they aren't selfish because they don't hoard possessions and they sometimes give gifts, that's not what I'm talking about. Shirking responsibility... breaking commitments... not following through... that's selfish.

And I might add that I am sometimes selfish, too. I am, after all, a person, although there are many others out there who don't treat me as if I am.

Tonight a song came to mind. There is probably only one other person in the world who will understand why it is relevant to this post. It has nothing to do with physical possessions, so please don't anybody panic that someone is threatening to throw our stuff out on the street... again... Those days seem to be long gone (and it's funny how you always want what you don't have)...

Lisa

You Did Not Have A Home lyrics

Rich Mullins
Oh, You did not have a home
There were places You visited frequently
You took off Your shoes and scratched Your feet
'Cause you knew that the whole world belongs to the meek
But You did not have a home
No, You did not have a home

And You did not take a wife
There were pretty maids all in a row
Who lined up to touch the hem of Your robe
But You had no place to take them, so
You did not take a wife
No, You did not take a wife

Birds have nests, foxes have dens
But the hope of the whole world rests
On the shoulders of a homeless man
You had the shoulders of a homeless man
No, You did not have a home

Well you had no stones to throw
You came without an ax to grind
You did not tow the party line
No wonder sight came to the blind
You had no stones to throw
You had no stones to throw

And You rode an ass' foal
They spread their coats and cut down palms
For You and Your donkey to walk upon
But the world won't find what it thinks it wants
On the back of an ass' foal
So I guess You had to get sold

'Cause the world can't stand what it can't own
And it can't own You
'Cause You did not have a home

Birds have nests, foxes have dens
But the hope of the whole world rests
On the shoulders of a homeless man
You had the shoulders of a homeless man
No, You did not have a

Birds have nests, foxes have dens
But the hope of the whole world rests
On the shoulders of a homeless man
You had the shoulders of a homeless man

And the world can't stand what it can't own
And it can't own You
'Cause You did not have a home