Cynicism Comes All Too Easily...

... at least to me.

A little over a month ago, I wrote a post titled, "This Might Be the Most Important Post I Have Ever Written".  That was probably not the brightest idea I ever had for a title.  I wrote about some of my struggles from the previous month, and then I entered into a new one.  The past month has been overwhelming, again, and I am relatively sure there are a few things I could share that would be of much greater importance than my thoughts from my earlier post, many of which are a direct result of the things that I discussed (or did not discuss, as the case may be) related to the post, itself.

I remember being almost obsessed with the concept of the "dark night of the soul" in my early 20s.  I am sure it never occurred to me that a person could experience a dark month... or two... or longer...  But it's been really dark here.

I was going to write that there have been external circumstances that have contributed to this, but then it occurred to me that the very idea is, at least most likely, very wrong.  There have been external circumstances, no doubt, but the more I consider it, the more I think they are actually symptoms of a much worse internal conflict.  I have, quite literally, made myself sick.  I cannot remember the last time I had a good night's sleep.  My stress level is just skyrocketing, and I'm putting this pressure on myself.  No one else is at fault.  I am the problem.  And I hate that.  And I need a stronger word than hate, because that just didn't cut it.

I have never been any good at lying.  I am a prophet.  Not the kind of prophet who foresees the future (at least not consistently, but that's another thought for another day... or never...) but the kind of prophet who tells the truth.  Multiple stories with great entertainment value have been written about characters who are "cursed" with the inability to lie.  I have to imagine those stories are so much funnier if they're not your own.  But I've learned to live with it - this painful desire to tell everyone about everything that is wrong with the world, cynicism, and this painful desire to tell everyone about everything that is right with the world, which is sometimes worse.  I've learned to live with it by mostly being silent.  "Live" might be too strong a word here.

In order to protect myself, I have also learned some moderately valuable tricks such as tact, sarcasm, and nuance.  I'm much better at sarcasm and nuance than tact, but I can pull even that one out of the bag if I have to, most of the time.  Problem is, I'm exhausted - physically and mentally and emotionally and spiritually exhausted.  I can just feel it coming.  If I'm not very careful, words are going to start spewing out of my mouth (and, very likely, my fingertips) that I can never get back.  And then what?

I am working really hard, right now, to find the proper way to move forward by speaking the truth in love.  I was going to say, "see Ephesians 4:15," but you know what, just see Ephesians 4.  All of it.  I was reminded the other day that, "There can be no way forward but through prayer".  This is truth.  I can speak this.  And I can do this.

And so, even in this meandering post, God has been working.  God is working.  I don't want anyone to misunderstand.  The time for eternal silence and censorship has ended.  I'm not afraid to speak the truth.  But I need to make sure I am centered precisely on the truth that God would have me to speak "for such a time as this".  See Esther 4:14.  Or, you know, just the whole book.

Pray for me.  I am praying.

L.