I don’t do anything halfway, but sometimes it doesn’t matter. Sometimes, even when you put everything you can and everything you are into something, it still doesn’t work out. But friends, I really stink at rejection.
I saw a quote the other day that went like this:
“The woman who does not require validation from anyone is the most feared individual on the planet.” -Mohadesa Najumi
Of course, I loved it immediately; because that’s the kind of person I want to be. Heck, sometimes I even embody this. But I knew I couldn’t claim to be this person, today, because within moments of reading the rejection letter that crossed the screen in front of my eyes, I was looking at another message, from one of my dearest friends, which read, “I love you. You’re enough.”
And let’s be real, if your closest friends respond like that, it’s because they know how very, very badly you need the validation.
So, quite honestly, I’m sitting here tonight weighing the risks of vulnerability. There is a deep part of me that knows I would benefit from a crushing hug and as many words of affirmation as the people who know me best could offer. Seriously, hundreds of thousands of words would be helpful. But I am also terrified that any degree of human contact might cause me to shatter into so many pieces I will never be able to pick them all up again. And it absolutely comes from feeling as if I am not enough. Because today, I wasn’t.
It’s only been a few days since I blogged and assured the Internet world that I was going to be OK, one way… or another… or another… And I am. But I suddenly can’t remember what ‘Plan B’ was. I think I need permission to fall apart for just a little while.
I put an awful lot of myself into ‘staying a course’ that no longer exists. The road has shifted underneath my feet, and I need a minute to forge a new path. Just a minute…