Happiest Place on Earth

Happiest Place on Earth

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Eleven Pages...



I keep re-staring this post.  I opened up a word document this afternoon, and much of what is written there are words I will never post here.  How ironic that many of them are words I'd hoped to post.  But some things are best left unsaid...

I was going to say the past months have been a roller coaster ride.  But coming from a coaster enthusiast, that seemed terribly inadequate.  Roller coasters are fun.  This has not been much fun.

I want to be clear here that we have not been going through anything tragic like disease... or physical injury... or death.  I have several friends who are dealing with the really big stuff, right now, and it makes me a little hesitant to post about my own struggles, because I know they are of a completely different caliber and incomparable.  But it occurred to me, the other day, that I have been working through the same stages of grief that a person might experience in a more serious situation. 

Denial... Anger...  Bargaining... Depression... Acceptance...

As I started to ponder this, it almost made things worse.  Truthfully, I think I did a blitz through all five stages in about fifteen minutes one day a few weeks ago.  Something about that cannot possibly be healthy...

Last week I found myself at "Ministers and Mates" retreat... and let me just say that I think the name is ingenious, because it necessitated serving "M & Ms" on a regular basis, and, realistically, anyone who will provide me with "M & Ms" is pretty close to "friend for life" status in my book...  but I digress...

I can't get into all the details, but shortly after dinner there was a moment that threatened to set off every fragile emotion I have, and the only thing I could think was, "I am hanging by a thread".  I was not "hanging by a thread" several months ago.  Even in the midst of a crazy life with unbelievable twists and turns of events, I was really doing alright.  I was more than alright!  I was excited about where I honestly believed God was leading!  Things were good.  And I find myself really frustrated with myself, because apparently if you throw a couple of unexpected things at me I am still really capable of falling apart... I have done this recently on multiple occasions...  in public...  I hate that!

Even as I sit here tonight, I'm trying to decide if I'm still struggling or if acceptance is finally washing over me.  I know that I'm at a place where I must choose acceptance, because there's closure.  There's no going back (unless I really want to go all the way back to denial... and I don't).  The possibilities no longer exist.  The doors are shut.

But not every door is shut.  We're still here.  And so a thought has been formulating... percolating... working its way into the deepest part of my being over the past few days.  If the doors keep closing, maybe it's because we're supposed to be here?  Maybe it's because we're supposed to be doing what we're doing?  Maybe?  How novel...

L.

P.S.  One more note about retreat.  Awkward social situations where I know next to no one don't rank up there in my top 10.  As an introvert, I would almost rather die than have lunch with people I don't know.  However, my "lunch bunch" actually turned out to be a highlight of the week for me, and just in case any of you are reading this, I was wrong about the chocolate...  It is only good if you happen to have a supply of sulfuric acid.  Then you can mix it together to create a gummy substance that can fix stuff (thanks a lot, MacGyver).  I am still planning to take the compass and the extra clothes and walk the 20 miles in the snow if we are ever stranded together in Northern Canada after a plane crash...

P.P.S.  I hate clichés.  The first person to suggest that God is opening a window should consider the way I broke in to my dorm room at Olivet during Celebrate Life that one year.  It didn't end well.  I try to avoid climbing through windows now.  

Monday, October 1, 2012

I Will Choose To Be Thankful...



Life doesn't always pan out the way I plan it.  Alright...  Let's be real.  Life almost never pans out the way I plan it.  It's OK.

And so I find myself, on this beautiful first day of October, breathing in... and breathing out... and wondering which direction to take from here. 

I cannot begin to promise that the tears have all been shed.  I think, maybe, they have been.  But I know I am still processing things, and that might take hours or years.  Sometimes it comes to me in bits and pieces.

However, I woke up, this morning, thinking about my blessings.  It was a good way to wake up.

And so, I am thankful.

I am thankful for God... God who has never failed us... God who will not break character and begin failing today... or tomorrow... or ever...  I am thankful for who God is.

I am thankful for Phil... Phil who understands my heart, even when there are no words... We've lived a lot of life together... Words are overrated...

I am thankful for Seth... Seth who is becoming who I always hoped he'd be, right in front of my eyes...

I am thankful for Grace... Grace who is so full of worship today I can almost taste it...

I am thankful for Caleb... Caleb who senses everything and loves unconditionally anyway...

I am thankful for Ian... Ian who knows what it is to be a true nonconformist and will likely change the world someday...

I am thankful for Miah... Miah who completes us and requires energy levels that I no longer thought I possessed, keeping me young...

I am thankful for family members and friends who will read this post and have the grace to pray and not to ask more questions than I can answer... and who might even like my link on Facebook...

I am thankful for ministry opportunities, and especially for Brandy, Lacee, Bri, Nathan, and Stephen who remind me, constantly, how life changes... and shifts... and grows and how things that seem like the end of the world often aren't...

I am thankful for NNU's spiritual formation program which has provided me with new friends and a safe place to share even the things I can't begin to post here...

I am thankful for Nancy, my spiritual director, who has already made a huge impact on my life and continues to do so in humility...

I am thankful for the small circle of ladies who have shown up sort of unexpectedly and worked their way into my life, even when I wasn't looking for them... For Kelly, Suzanne, and Brandi, who pray for us and never respond to my messages with anything but grace and love, even when I'm sure what I share is raw...

I am thankful for our house.  I love this house, even though it doesn't have enough bedrooms.  I am also thankful, however, for the reminder that it is just wood... and drywall... and paint... and carpet that really needs to be replaced...

I am thankful for cupboards and a refrigerator full of food...

I am thankful for my camera... and my other camera... and my other camera... and my other camera that I let Phil use...

I am thankful that my children have had every opportunity possible, even when it seemed impossible...

I am thankful for wonderful memories, and especially for vacation memories, because I love vacationing...

I am thankful for the ability to wake up and accept substitute teaching jobs that make me crazy and for the excellent phone interview I had, just now, in the midst of writing this...

And now, perhaps, I am getting random.

Here's the point, though.  I am really blessed.  I have far too many blessings sitting right in front of my face to spend any amount of time worrying about what I don't have.

God provides.  Always has.  Always will.

L. 

Sunday, September 30, 2012

I Am Determined...



Not to fall apart this time.

It's been a rough year.  But God is still God.

I do not like being caught with my guard down, but that is exactly what happened today, and I can't get it back.

And so the tears fell.  And considering the absolutely ludicrous, almost impossible scenario I found myself in, I have to guess that it was a very normal reaction.  Not a display of weakness.  I'm so done with weakness.

And Ian...  He made an excellent facade...

And Caleb...  You have to love a little guy that sees Mommy's tears and rubs my back, never asking why...

And Phil...  Super Hero.  That's what I have to say about him.

This afternoon, in the midst of an eclectic  mix of music... and Scripture... and thought processes, a literary reference came to me.  Well, truth is truth wherever you find it:     

"It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart" (Finnick Odair in Suzanne Collins', Mockingjay, 2010, 156).

Frankly, I don't have that kind of time to waste.

L.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

This is Why My Children Do Not Go to Public School...



Now, first, let me say that I was blessed to grow up in an area with exceptional public schools.  I have a lot of teacher friends and relatives, and I am pro-teacher.  They are really good at what they do, and so I don't want to get any feedback on this post stating that I must hate education and do not understand how hard some teachers work.  In fact, I love education, probably more than most, and I do, indeed, understand that there are some (maybe a whole lot) of excellent teachers out there.  There are certainly teachers who made a big enough impact on my life that I bothered to look them up and connect with them some 15-20 years later.  This is not a rant about lousy teachers (I did have some of those, growing up, too, though...)

Here's the thing.  This school year I decided to substitute teach.  A long time ago, I wanted to be a teacher when I "grew up," and quite frankly after graduating with a business management degree this past summer, I was having difficulty finding any interesting job opportunities in my field.  The state of Indiana actually offers a "transition to teaching" program that can be completed in around 16 months, and a part of me started questioning whether I should opt for this route to earn a state educator's license.  I had been throwing the idea around in my head for some time, and still not being fully able to commit; I decided to sub. for awhile... just to see if I thought I really wanted to pursue teaching after all.  I decided not to sub. in our current district, because I know a lot of the kids in this town personally and thought it might be awkward.

The district I am subbing in has some unique challenges (don't they all)...  I would venture to say that close to half of the students speak English as a second language.  I cannot imagine how difficult it must be for educators to plan their lessons around this in such a way that all of the children are learning at a level that is appropriate for their age group, skill level, and language.  I am quite certain that these teachers are facing obstacles on a regular basis that I would not want to tackle.  But here's what happened today...

I taught a second grade class.

Now, I am the first to admit that I would prefer to teach high school, but jobs are limited and money is tight, so I'm going with what I can get.  I walked into the class today thinking of my Caleb (3rd grade this year, but close enough).  I prayed that God would help me to be a blessing to these kids today.  I arrived early to go over the lesson plans and felt that everything was laid out in an orderly manner and that I could handle the twenty-one little people entrusted to me on this day.  They were rough and tumble, but I do rough and tumble well.

The kids were not the problem (unless you want to count that one moment after lunch when some of the boys flooded the bathroom and the janitor almost killed me...)

The teacher assistant... or paraprofessional... or whatever she was...  That was the problem.
About once an hour, she came into the room and started yelling at random kids and moving their desks around, I guess as a form of punishment.  But they weren't really out of control.  And in case anyone is wondering, I certainly wasn't out of control.  I have a big fence philosophy with children.  You give them a lot of room to be kids, but at some point there is a boundary.  They are free to live... and be... and learn... and play within the "big fence".  Most kids I have met don't even want to cross the line.  But if they do...  Oh, they know it.  I have rules, and they are not for breaking!  Only a few of these kids were even coming close to pushing my boundaries, and when they did; I told them.  And they stopped.

But apparently the teacher assistant had a small cage philosophy?  I don't know.  All I really know is that the vast majority of the kids were getting all of their work done, I felt like they were grasping the concepts, and we were having a good time.  I spent some extra time with a couple of the children who seemed to be struggling to grasp the language.  One of them even shared something he'd written, today, in front of the entire class... to much applause!  The word I used to describe this class on the note I left was, "delightful"!  The word I used to describe the teacher assistant was, "harsh".
At the end of the day she came in yelling, told all of the students how disappointed their teacher would be, and proceeded to get in the faces of several children.  One was clearly learning disabled in some way, and the other spoke broken English, at best.  And I stood there for the final six minutes before dismissal, completely silent and with my mouth hanging open, because I couldn't figure out, for the life of me, how talking to these children like this was going to help them to love school, desire to learn, or succeed.  Raising your voice so someone with a language barrier can understand better is equivalent to screaming at the deaf!  Not effective...

The kids left that class on a negative note.  I highly doubt they are going to remember the work that did get done or the applause.  I hope that when their regular teacher returns she will realize that they legitimately didn't have a terrible day and that they should be commended for adjusting to a brand new substitute teacher as opposed to punished for not being perfect... for not acting like adults...
And my heart was just breaking, because I thought, "I'll bet the parents of these children had no idea how ridiculed they would be when they put them on the bus this morning".  If someone treated any of my children that way, whether they deserved it or not, they wouldn't want to mess with this Mama...  Discipline is fine and good.  What I experienced today was not.

But wait...  there's more...

These children had no history or social studies lessons, and their exposure to science was limited to a writing prompt about their favorite weather.  I checked the assignments for the rest of the week, assuming that they must cover different subjects areas on different days.  Nope.  My own kids are currently enrolled in a virtual public school, and they are required to pass 80% of their Math and Language Arts assignments with a score of 80% or better to move on.  It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that this means they only have to "master"  64% of the subject matter.  They have Science, History, and Social Studies assignments, but they are not required. 

How irresponsible is this? 

We are asking teachers (and home educators using public school curriculum) to teach to the test... exclusively.  In the process, we are graduating kids, in droves, who might be able to read enough to "get by" and who might not have even a basic, working knowledge of history, geography, or government, because... hey... it's not on the test!

And how about just one more rant...

My class today had library as an elective.  I marched twenty-one children down the hallway with one book each.  The librarian was a little late getting back from lunch, so I took the time to painstakingly explain to them the importance of being quiet in a library (which seemed foreign to them).  By the time the librarian arrived, they were all seated quietly, making sure that even while whispering it was difficult for the person next to them to hear what they were saying.  I left them for the next hour, patting myself on the back on the way out the door... thinking of how I loved library time when I was in elementary school and imagining all of the children spread out on the floor, absorbed in the world of imagination that only books can offer.

Fast forward one hour...

When I arrived to pick the children up I found that they had each chosen one new book for the week, that apparently they are not allowed to take home?  And they were all seated at computers, playing games!  To make matters worse, when the librarian noticed that I had arrived, she shouted across the room for the kids to set up the computers for the incoming Kindergarten class, and when they did not do this quickly enough she continued to yell at them...  THE LIBRARIAN!  And now I'm yelling...  oh, brother...

I arrived home to an overactive Kindergartener who was near furious with me for doing two days of schoolwork with him yesterday and refusing to break out tomorrow's work; a third grader, finished with his schoolwork for the day and playing with "the baby" in her room; two pre-teens finishing up their own schoolwork and helping Daddy out; and a house that was pretty much spotlessly cleaned, with dinner in the oven.  Yeah...  Phil is pretty cool...  Thinking back on my day though, I said to him, "I don't want to do this," at which point he looked around the house and said, "I don't want to do this!"  And then we both laughed...  Life is so strange right now.

L.             

Thursday, August 16, 2012

So I Feel As If...

... I should post something about graduation.

It's ironic, though, really...  It wasn't a big deal for me.

Now, don't get me wrong...  Attaining my degree was a big deal!  It took me 15 years!  I majored in almost everything!  Finally holding that diploma in my hand felt good.  But the actual graduation...  It was just a day...

I am thankful for my family who celebrated with me and my friends who offered congratulations, in bulk, on my facebook page.  I'm glad to have a few pictures.  I can't wait until it's cool enough outside to wear my alumni sweatshirt.

And I'm ready for a new adventure...

L.