I'm OK...

Well... just over a month postpartum, and I think I'm going to survive!

I still feel a little bit like I described a couple of weeks ago in that I feel a little bit delayed... by this I mean that a couple of weeks ago I felt like I did when I first brought my other kids home, and today I probably feel about like I did when my other kids were around 2 weeks old as opposed to a month. But it's steady progress, and I'm good with that...

I do feel a little bit like Miah's first month flew by without me (or at least with me in a haze). Thankfully, I know this isn't really true, because I took lots of pictures. It was fast, though, and although I'm finding myself less teary about Miah's "firsts" and our baby "lasts", I do sometimes wish that everything would just slow down.

On that same line of thought, I am finding that I am not so motivated to do much of anything, but I'm feeling like this is less because of sadness than the desire to just stop and take it all in, enjoying the moment as opposed to constantly rushing around to the next thing. And when I realize that this is what this somewhat traumatic month has come to, I feel pretty good about the direction things are headed.

I've needed to step back and evaluate life for a long time now. Dealing with PPD (or whatever you want to call it) has forced me to think through some things, and it's turning into a good thing... I love it when you can find the good in situations that you wouldn't have asked for...

I don't want to live my life thinking that things will get "better"... or "easier"... or whatever after "this thing happens"... or "that time period passes"... or whatever... But I honestly do think that I am coming to a point at which I am going to be able to relax a little bit and think through what I really want out of this next era of life. I am going to finish my school semester this week. The kids are going to finish their school year and remaining classes and programs and competitions by the end of the month/early next month. And our summer schedule is going to bring some freedom in which I'm not really responsible for a whole lot (or anything, really) unless I consciously choose to take it on. And I don't think I'm going to be doing a whole lot of "taking it on"...

I have a great deal to think about in regard to the fall. My choices for educational pursuits... business ventures... volunteer activities... etc. are almost unlimited. And there is a certain amount of excitement to that. But I think that I mostly want to just be. I want to love my husband and raise my kids. And because I live with a bit of a restless spirit and a desire for adventure and knowledge, I'm sure I'll pick up a thing or two here or there that I'll look back on and wonder what I was thinking. But I'm going to try real hard to limit myself in order to really be the person I was created to be.

I want my life to really count for something, but my ideals are changing about what that means... and it's really all good. I'm OK...

Lisa