I don’t know where to start… again… Seems to be the story of my life here lately…
But I know one thing for sure. I am sick of playing games.
This post is very personal. Obviously, I don’t post anything on-line that I don’t want other people to read, but if you just know me casually, please don't feel like you have to read this. I wrote this mostly for myself.
The past couple of months have been incredibly difficult for me in a variety of ways. Mostly it’s been my own sin and stupidity, and there is seriously no one to blame but myself.
I feel like I have nearly heard the audible voice of God on a couple of occasions, and I just keep thinking that I am a whole lot like Pharaoh… Time and time again, God is showing up in some pretty amazing ways, and it’s all good with me for a few minutes until I harden my heart again. And frankly, I don’t really want to have to go through something disastrous or tragic to finally “get it”.
None of this is probably going to make much sense… I’m not even exactly sure where it all came from. It probably has something to do with the time of year it is… high school graduations, etc. Maybe it’s because of the Stanley Cup Finals (hehehe)… But here goes…
I used to be really passionate about reaching other people for Christ. I actually prayed for people. Pretty much everyone who reads this blog probably knows my story… or at least parts of it, but as a quick recap…
I grew up going to church… gave myself to Him as much as I knew how at age four… didn’t really grow at all… decided I needed to be “cool” (which was a hopeless effort) in Jr. High… made some lousy decisions… and then it culminated with really giving my life and will to Jesus at age fourteen…
At which point I became a self-righteous snot, not because I didn’t really want to give my life to Jesus (I did), but because I thought that was how Christians were supposed to act (they’re not)…
Ditched a bunch of friends… finally started to grow… and only then did I realize what I’d done to other people in the process… UGH!
At this point I was truly sorry for the way I’d treated people, but I was still in High School, and let’s face it, the teenage years are not a forgiving time. I remember coming back from summer vacation, “on fire” for God, and nobody thought it would last. But it did. And some years later I found myself talking with old friends and having them admit that I had changed… and I felt like I was beating my head against a brick wall, because they didn’t really get it. The change in my life had initially… seemingly… torn us apart. And by the time I realized that I should have maintained these relationships and actually done something to help them… Well… they had moved on, and I was the one left behind…
High School graduation rolled around, and in the midst of all of the tears that were shed by people who weren’t ready for it to “end”, I remember being relieved that it was over. By the end of my Senior year, I had two friends in my graduating class. I hugged them good-bye, waved at a few old acquaintances, and thought I was never going to look back… For me, this was not an end, but a beginning…
Here’s the part you probably don’t know…
For the next… oh… let’s say 12 years (that would bring us to today), I had this recurring nightmare from time to time… I was back in High School… It was always a little bit different, but I would be in some class… or trying to remember my locker combination… or whatever… And in this dream, I would always end up walking around the halls, searching for one friend or another. I would be asking people, “Have you seen this girl?” or, “Have you seen this guy?” and usually someone would say yes and give me an approximate location… and I would be off like a flash! I would always find the people I was looking for, but I could never talk to them. At the very best, I would be able to get within a few feet and shout out that we needed to talk, but it never happened. And there would always be somebody else nearby… kinda staring me down… as if I had no right, whatsoever, to seek out my friend, and as if they would stand in the way of our conversation… And then I would wake up…
And I would pray for the person I was looking for in the dream…
Now… back in real life, I spent 12 years doing the kinds of things that people usually do after High School. I got married to my knight in shining armor. We rode the royal carriage (marked U-Haul) across the country. We produced one princess… and three frogs…I went on to college and liked it so much that I am still there. We rode the royal carriage (marked Ryder) across the country. We rode the royal carriage (marked Budget) across the country. We ministered to all kinds of teenagers… And it felt good (well, not everything felt good, but give me a break… this is my fairytale aside, and if you want to know the whole, true story I need to get my book published, because I’m not bloggin’ it all… I don’t think, although that is a possible consideration)…
And I kept having what I started to refer to as “that stupid dream!”…
Well… occasionally, I would run into someone I knew from High School. Since I didn’t live in the area (for the most part), it was usually on a visit “home”. I would see someone in the grocery store, and we would say a quick hello or chat for a few minutes. Someone would contact me by e-mail, and we would send messages back and forth over the course of a few weeks. Every once in a while, there was a phone call. My best friend from Jr. High actually visited shortly after I gave birth to Seth, and my closest friend from High School kept in touch for the first few years. After that, there was nothing…
Life kinda wore on at times, and I became a whole lot more concerned with the people who were currently in my life than the people who used to be. The dream still occurred. I still prayed. But it seemed as if nothing was ever going to come of it. I would pray that someday I would really run into these people and that they would be completely consumed with a love for Jesus Christ. Phil had an awesome encounter with a friend of his that he previously worked with where just such a thing happened! I daydreamed about finding my friends in the same situation. Nothing…
I never would have guessed, at the time, what an impact the Internet would have on communication. I mean… come on… I thought e-mail was the end all to technology! But along came blogs and social networking sites…
I set up a xanga… seemed to be the thing to do at the time, although I sometimes wonder, now, if I should have… Teenagers all over the place had them… college students… but I never did find anyone from High School… (As a note, my xanga still sits idle, somewhere in cyberspace… just don’t have the heart to shut it down… nostalgia)…
I was never going to have a myspace, but it came next, as it seemed to be the only way to stay in contact with friends from around the country… and around the globe! It was exciting for a time, especially when some of the people I wanted to find from High School started showing up! I actually engaged in some real conversation with a few, and it seemed productive. But “that stupid dream” continued… and there were just some people I couldn’t find…
I went to my 10 year class reunion and actually got to talk with people I hadn’t so much as seen a virtual picture of in years. Some of the conversation was actually really encouraging to me. Some of my friends (and even people I didn’t like in High School) were searching for answers, even searching for Christ. I could have sat there for a very long time… But “that stupid dream” continued… and there were still just some people I couldn’t find…
I was never going to have a facebook, but it came next as hundreds of old friends signed up. Unfortunately, facebook has become the realization of my nightmare. Almost everyone I’ve ever looked for in a dream is right there, staring back at me through bloodshot eyes… I now have the power to discern their favorite drinks… and their favorite drugs… and their favorite people to be naked with… I get “invites” to their parties (well, maybe I’m movin’ up in the world, because I never got those in High School)… and I watch their status updates to learn just how empty they are… And if one of them would just post something like, “__________ is amazingly in love with Jesus Christ!” I would probably break down all over the place. I feel like I’m runnin’ through the hallway, and I see them, and I’m waving my hands in their faces shouting, “We need to talk!” but honestly, I don’t even know what to say. And I’m not praying like I should be anymore…
OK… so there’s my assessment for what’s wrong with the world. But that’s just supposed to be background information, remember? This post is not supposed to turn into yet another self-righteous declaration about why everyone should be like me. I AM THE PROBLEM!!!
You see… at best I have this hero complex, but it’s really more like a savior complex, and it’s really scary when I start thinking that I need to play God…
People who need help seem to land in my lap, and in completely blind acts of stupidity (not faith, mind you, that’s different), I try to fix them. I gave you all of that history to help you understand that I am pretty much beating my fists against God’s chest asking why He doesn’t right the world… or at least the few people I know. I am seriously on the brink of losing it over some pages in cyberspace that depict people I used to know, while opening the back door to current Jr. High students who need pregnancy tests and gang members who want to make sure we’re doin’ OK while sporting their newest cuts! And it is starting to sink in that I CANNOT SAVE THE WORLD!!! And that sucks, because I legitimately want the world to be saved.
I need people I used to know to start getting it, because every time I look in the faces of one of these kids we’re dealing with now, I see a parallel to someone I knew when I was a kid. When I look into their eyes and I see myself, there’s usually something I can do. But when I look into their faces and see someone else, I need resources. I need to be able to pick up the phone and say, “Hey… I’ve got this kid. She’s just like you. What made the difference in your life?” But I don’t have the resources, because most of the people I know don’t get it and some of the people who do are too masked at this point in life to share what they went through in order to save somebody else!
Whoa… OK… soapbox… jumpin’ down…
I’m stressed out…
And this still isn’t even what this post was supposed to be about…
I am almost 30 years old. I have been “right” with God, as much as I know how, on many occasions and even in whole “seasons” of my life. But I’m not there right now. I could probably provide a lot of excuses as to why this is the case, but I’m about as sick of excuses as I am of playing games. There’s a song that has been playing through my mind (as well as on my radio) for the past few weeks:
East to West
By: Casting Crowns
From the Recording: The Altar and the Door
Here I am, Lord, and I'm drowning in your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight
I know You've cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way
Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west
'cause I can't bear to see the (one) I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way
I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals
I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me
You're holding on to me
Jesus, You know just how far the east is from the west
I don't have to see the (one) I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
One scarred hand to the other
From one scarred hand to the other
My goodness… may that be true, because it’s about all I’m holding onto right now…
Lisa
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